few weeks ago i read a few books, i liked reading, but didn’t have anything good to read.
a few weeks before that, i was doing calming exercises, that made me feel blissful.
about two weeks ago, i watched a few movies, they gave me something to focus on other than my dumb thoughts, and there were some things that i liked about some of the movies. even though i have watched most of them before, i think i paid attention to different things in them, interpreted them differently, and liked different things about them, than i did the previous time i watched them.
about a week ago, i noticed that i can enjoy music, but then it turned out that i can’t just turn on music myself and enjoy it whenever i want to. it’s somehow more tricky than that, and it just simply doesn’t happen just because i want it to.
i was browsing through various educational books looking for things that i wanted to learn, and i liked the books.
but i can’t focus.
i keep making the same mistakes over and over.
i keep treating myself like trash, like this life isn’t mine to have.
yesterday i was wondering what “giving up” means exactly, and i concluded that being miserable like this doesn’t have much to do with giving up.
i’d rather say that i want to die because that’s easier.
and i’ve seen people say such things. that suicide is weakness, but i usually noticed that those people consider life to be a game of sorts, a competition, where they would want to have others to fight with, and that’s the only reason why they could want me alive.
but it turns out that this idea, that i see it as the easier option does apply to me.
even though it’s just me trying to enjoy life, it’s too hard.
but i am not even really trying.
i don’t even put enough effort into the simplest self care, into the daily routine.
yesterday, i fell asleep in the most wrong way i had in a long time.
but when i woke up, i actually felt better than i had in quite a while.
i don’t even remember what exactly i wanted to write anymore,
but writing that first part felt good.
2 comments
Reading that first part felt good too.
Depression seems a little similar to me to a substance abuse problem. It pulls you into familiar cycles. You keep doing the same thing expecting a different outcome. I don’t know, for me, I feel shitty, and I smoke a shit ton, and then I feel crappy about myself and I hurt my wallet. Well that’s quite literally a substance, but it’s the same cycle with eating, or sleeping or whatever.
And the same as every substance abuse problem, it’s really hard to break the cycle. You know going for a run twice a week is going to help, but you just can’t. So you keep smoking (or eating, etc.) and going through the same feeling crap cycle.
So everything you describe just sounds to me like a really big effort on your part to break the cycle. You’re trying. And even if it doesn’t seem like much in comparison to how easy all that is for other people, it’s a big achievement for you. Keep going. I hope you’re still doing okay in a few weeks.
thank you for leaving comments on my posts.
writing this post left me feeling sad, with a blank mind, because i knew that this time i had nobody to blame but myself.
your comment was very uplifting and straight to the point. it helped me to put things in perspective. i browsed through my old posts and noticed how positive they were compared to where my mind was at the time, and helped me remember how much progress i made before, and i realized that i was doing the bare minimum to keep me going.
since that day i have been taking better care of myself, taking shower every day, eating better, and eventually i have discovered that getting enough sleep makes the biggest difference for me.
the food started to taste better and eventually i started to feel exactly the way i am supposed to.
i have eventually also stopped fearing the world because i concluded that i would rather die being myself that to be forever miserable and apathetic.
and i found a way around my inability to focus by setting myself close simple to reach goals that force me to learn things that i want to.
i think you also were wondering if i see the world in a similar way that you do, where i would see everything as pointless and be unable to see any point in the way people live
i think that yeah, kinda, for a long time, i didn’t understand how people can appreciate and be entertained by the most mundane things, which only started to make sense recently when being happy became easy for me.
and there also was a long period of time when people would just look like complete aliens to me, and not merely incomprehensible, but even hostile.
neither of those were actually all that significant in the basis of my depression i think
eventually, the thing that made life make sense for me, was my identity – remembering exactly who i am and how i see the world, and how those things make it impossible for me to just become invisible and indifferent, because i can’t stop being who i am. and i don’t believe in free will anymore, i think that i’ve already made all the important decisions in my life and the only way for me to go is forward.
so it’s highly unlikely that this situation, this line of thinking would apply to many other people – i just somehow was lucky enough to make choices early on which, in the long run, i accepted – and didn’t regret.
but i do know that eventually i will get bored of it all, all over again, and when that happens, i will have to be ready for this. there are billions of people on this planet who are satisfied with not doing much, and eventually, i will either have to become one of them, or just kill myself out of pure boredom.
more importantly though, i want thank you for not giving up on yourself and for staying positive, i see that recently you made a lot of progress as well, and you should remember to give yourself credit for that – this is all your work, and you seem to be doing a good job.
(and yes, i did eventually figure out that “give up” only implies devastating misery when it’s followed by “on yourself”)