few weeks ago i read a few books, i liked reading, but didn’t have anything good to read.
a few weeks before that, i was doing calming exercises, that made me feel blissful.
about two weeks ago, i watched a few movies, they gave me something to focus on other than my dumb thoughts, and there were some things that i liked about some of the movies. even though i have watched most of them before, i think i paid attention to different things in them, interpreted them differently, and liked different things about them, than i did the previous time i watched them.
about a week ago, i noticed that i can enjoy music, but then it turned out that i can’t just turn on music myself and enjoy it whenever i want to. it’s somehow more tricky than that, and it just simply doesn’t happen just because i want it to.
i was browsing through various educational books looking for things that i wanted to learn, and i liked the books.
but i can’t focus.
i keep making the same mistakes over and over.
i keep treating myself like trash, like this life isn’t mine to have.
yesterday i was wondering what “giving up” means exactly, and i concluded that being miserable like this doesn’t have much to do with giving up.
i’d rather say that i want to die because that’s easier.
and i’ve seen people say such things. that suicide is weakness, but i usually noticed that those people consider life to be a game of sorts, a competition, where they would want to have others to fight with, and that’s the only reason why they could want me alive.
but it turns out that this idea, that i see it as the easier option does apply to me.
even though it’s just me trying to enjoy life, it’s too hard.
but i am not even really trying.
i don’t even put enough effort into the simplest self care, into the daily routine.
yesterday, i fell asleep in the most wrong way i had in a long time.
but when i woke up, i actually felt better than i had in quite a while.
i don’t even remember what exactly i wanted to write anymore,
but writing that first part felt good.