I am so tired. I’m not the kind of woman that gets taken care of. I’m the kind that gets skipped in line by the better women, and goes unnoticed – also plain ignored. I want to be able to do everything on my own. But I can’t. Partially due to bipolar1/depression and anxiety symptoms :/
Lately, I can’t sleep, it’s hard to eat, and my heart always feels heavy. I always feel like I am sinking downwards more and more like there is no end or bottom to this. I cry most days quite a lot. I’m just kind of invisible though. I don’t think anyone really gets it. I kinda make peace in the household with family members and hold my pain in.
I love with my whole heart and give with my whole heart, and I feel like I get used and taken for granted. I never ask for anything, so I don’t get much. And when I do speak up it is too much for people, so over time, I have learned to shut up.
I wish I could rid of the piece of my inside that wants to be cared for and loved. I wish I was able to support myself. There’s just all these things, too many things that feel stacked up against me, even just to survive and feel like I am living or want to live even.
But it stays. It wants to be cared for it wants to be shown care when I am sad. I can’t do this on my own and I can’t wait until I am ready to go.
I finally realized that the small caring for I wanted will never happen – I’m just not one of those women. I’m at the bottom.