Late night thoughts

I remember a time when I had dreams. I wanted to be happy. I wanted to build a home with you. With plants and pets and our little girl. I wanted to travel the world with you. Walk through Rio. Stay up all night at the beach and talk and laugh and enjoy life or even just sit there and look at the stars. I wanted to celebrate our successes. Have you there the day I get my bachelor’s degree and be there the day you open your first business. I even wanted to experience the bad sides of life with you. Cry in your arms after losing someone, be worried for our child when she’s sick.
Life is different now. My dreams are different now. What I want now is to never wake up again. I leave my door open at night hoping that today will be the day a killer comes and does what I’m too weak to do. When that doesn’t happen I wish for work. I want to be busy to temporarily forget about myself and my emotions and just be a machine that does what it’s supposed to do. Which is ironic because it also stresses me out and makes me cry. But that kind of pain is easier to handle than the one related to you. A life without emotions is what I strive for now. I used to be excited to feel all those emotions, good and bad. I felt prepared to do it with you by my side and I was prepared to help you too. I’ve come to the conclusion that emotions are the worst that’s ever happened to humanity. In the end they’ll always hurt you and the good ones are only there to make the bad ones even worse. Sure, people say they’re what makes life worth living but to me they’re what makes death worth considering. Guess those people are luckier than me.
I feel helpless. I can’t do anything to get out of this situation. You’re keeping me in it saying you’ll change and throwing in a nice word every once in a while to keep me on the hook. And I’m scared to leave so I happily take the bait again and again. The only thing that would maybe help would be talking about it but the people I trust enough to tell won’t listen. I still try to tell them because I don’t know what else to do but end up getting even more hurt when they don’t pick up the phone, leave me on read or take days to reply. I know it’s inconvenient when I call in the middle of the night but that’s just when I get overwhelmed most of the time.
I just really hope tonight’s the night someone finds my unlocked door or I find my courage.