Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness

• Ah a place where I can actually talk and interact with people. I usually talk to myself. Or write about it. It’s been what two years since my last attempt. 100 benzodiazepines pills down the hatch. At first it was scared out of my mind, then a minute later I’m like “oh well” . it was nice, peaceful. I actually could breathe. I closed my eyes and fall into a abyss. Then I woke up next morning, you don’t understand how awful I felt. Not from the meds, but from failing. It was a horrible feeling. Next morning I was dizzy all day and felt like I was drunk without drinking. I even drove my car that day. My whole entire family didn’t notice, and they still don’t know that it happened. I don’t want them to know. Does that make me a terrible person? Then recently the feeling of Just wanting to die came back,I had a dream where for some reason my friend told me I was going to die alone. The person would obviously would never say that but it feels like it’s sending me a message, and now I’m start believe more and more. I’m not suicidal but I Just having a feeling of deep sadness or not caring anymore. I can’t take anymore, yet I still have to. I’m tired, I’ve given up. I’ve been giving up everyday that I live.I hope this confidential