My body

When I was young, I was always treated as the ugly duck, people would tell me I look like a witch with my nose, say the my face is too masculine and ask why I have this big of a nose. Even this year , some girls  told me that they wouldn’t recognize me without a mask. I didn’t understand what they meant by that( I had a crush on one of them). Then recently I was hanging out with some girls and I told them that I found one guy very attractive. They encouraged me to go talk to that person and one of them ( the mean group leader ) suggested that I keep my mask on because I quote “ you look way better with it “ and you’d have more chances to get his number. Honestly, I’ve been complimented many times on my looks but it was mainly directed to my body. When I don’t wear something revealing and do my hair, I automatically become ugly and unrecognizable. I’ve never had a boyfriend and I don’t think I could with the nose that I have. Plus I’m gonna move to Europe this September for my studies and I don’t wanna be viewed the same way by others. I’ve never been popular in high school especially among the popular pretty girls and boys and I don’t want to. I just want to feel comfortable enough in my body to be able to express myself freely.
I wanna get a nose job, I don’t know how to explain it but I don’t feel woman enough with this nose. I just don’t feel good about it even if I get complimented it doesn’t change anything I’m too aware of it at all time, it’s weird like something very heavy I have to carry on plus it’s not only when I’m with people, it’s actually worse when I’m alone .I hate it more when I’m alone because there is no distraction whatsoever to free me from these thoughts. I don’t know what my nose represents to me but I feel like it holds a very big meaning emotionally and I’m convinced that if I fix it it’s gonna help me fix many other things mentally. I can’t help but think sometimes that I gave in and that even tho I don’t like it I should just bear with it. That’s not how people are supposed to live is it ? Just going through life with no joy no self love no aspirations, I should try to make my life better by all means or it’s just never gonna change. It’s not really just about a nose, it never is. It’s time that I act on my ideas and stop being a frightened little *****. However, I can’t help but think that I let people win and that I loose a battle if I get a nose job. I’m also afraid I’d feel worse after getting one. I don’t know what to do anymore, please somebody help me.