In the past 2 months I have been in the Psych ward for 2 weeks, a residential facility for 2 weeks, and now I am in aftercare with a partial day program and I the only improvement that I see is my outlook is now “I want my life to end” rather than “I want to end my life” So, I do not see any improvement, but only a remission. The partial day program is actually very thorough in content and recommending coping skills but I am too far gone for any of this to be effective at this point. I am trying, but too many factors are still present, and I am almost 60 years old and have been dealing with this the last 50 years or so.
Today I had a cardioversion procedure. A simple process to get my heart beating in a proper rhythm. I had some hope that I would not wake up afterwards. Well I am awake now and things still suck. Part of me just wants to toss all the medications I take for various health ailments, including my heart and diabetes. The only ones I would take would be my anti-depressants so I can keep my thinking rational and not try to disappear (End my life) with a single act. Instead I just hope nature takes it’s course.
I wish there were a hospice program for depression. I would gladly participate.