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What do I want?

by heartlessviking

I’m at the point of literally asking, because I’m not allowed to want violent revenge on the people who are indifferent to my suffering. I’m also not particularly allowed to want to just not go back to work. Meanwhile, I’m sick, deep in burn out and having no motivation to pull up and out. I’ll put myself right back here is the reason. I’d love to do the normal thing, earn a paycheck, go on vacation to the lake. I really did try. It just doesn’t offer any rewards. I have this intolerable ambition, I’m not happy with whatever is given to me, I want more. I can’t seem to get more. Thus, misery. It’s less work to be miserable down here, in the pit with all of my guilt and shame. The world is cruel, and I don’t see where I’m supposed to fit in.

I’m too sensitive to help people. I’m also too dispassionate about any other kind of purpose. Hence, worthless, useless, yet I meet people convinced of my utility. God damn if I know anything. I’m a fool, a lost man without direction or even a desire to pick up a compass (figuratively, orientation and sense of direction are actually two of my useless strong skills.)

so what do I want? To what end should I seek out any kind of outcome when gaining the attention of others is a certain path to my pain? I may be known to be somewhat of a masochist, but everyone has limits, don’t they? Why do I keep pushing? What’s the desire that others have out of me? And why should I care?

For a long time I thought that if I worked hard I could satisfy others. I’d be dissatisfied, but as long as someone got to be right and vindicated that seemed like enough. Now it isn’t. Where do I go? I don’t feel particularly wanted in any locality I find myself. I think I might be the human equivalent of a foreign contaminant, and the white blood cells of our society is doing an excellent job of exterminating me.

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existential404 6/10/2021 - 1:34 am

I really get this. I don’t feel like there’s anything I want either. Doing the “normal thing,” as you say, is very unsatisfying. I’ve done all I wanted to do in life. And yet I’m expected to keep going, keep working, for basically no reason.

I’m curious as to when you say “I’m not happy with whatever is given to me, I want more.” That doesn’t seem to fit with everything else you’re saying about feeling purposeless and having no motivation. What do you want more of?

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