I don’t really know why I try, if I’m honest. Before, I thought maybe my creative work wasn’t too bad – but now I think it’s all horrible, right as I’m about to finish a big project. I keep thinking it’s not good enough to show to anyone despite all my work. I’ve told people about how I’m about to finish it, I can’t just pretend that never happened – but I don’t want them to judge it once they see it. It’s all over the place… A mess of work.
Creative work is really all I have. I can’t stand long enough to get hired by people, and any job that doesn’t require me to stand just won’t hire me either because I’m not qualified for the job or they just don’t want a disabled person on staff. If my creative work isn’t good enough, I don’t know what I’ll do. I don’t want to be stuck in this abusive household forever, and it feels like a matter of time before I’m kicked out.
Sometimes I dream about really simple things, like getting a really normal job at a grocery store or something. Even though I can’t stand long enough to work a cash register, I’ve applied to them before. I’ve applied to quite a few jobs and I’ve never gotten a call back before. They just don’t want me, not even jobs like goverment libraries where it’s technically illegal to discriminate when hiring.
Getting on disability seems like an obvious route, but it’s notoriously difficult – and I wouldn’t be able to have more than 2,000 dollars in my bank account or I’d stop receiving money. People don’t know how bad it is, especially considering that wheelchairs meant for daily use are at LEAST 1,000 dollars, with the average cost being MUCH higher.
It feels like there’s really no future for me if I can’t be a good enough artist to make a living – but as it stands, I’m jut not good enough. I don’t know if I’ll ever be good enough – or if I’ll ever be noticed if I somehow get good enough. Not to mention, everyone around me keeps saying I’ll only make money once I’m dead…