I’m basically an almost 50 loser. I have a shit job that pays well enough, but is far too stressful. My closest friend, a person I trusted with pretty much anything, ended our friendship over a fight about something I still don’t really understand. My next closest friend died about 6 months ago in a freak accident. That’s still pretty surreal. I have a few friends that I see sometimes, but we don’t really have all that much in common, besides drinking, so I pretty much do anything I like doing alone. To that, being isolated has most certainly increased my insanity; so much so that I end up talking to myself. I’m stuck on my ex, even though we broke up 4 yrs ago, even though it was a terribly unhealthy relationship, which has basically ruined a few chances with someone new. So my life seems pretty meaningless, at this point.
I am not really suicidal, I mean I have suicidal ideations, but it’s more that I just wish I was dead. I sometimes go to bed at night and say to myself, or god or whatever, “Maybe this will be it. Maybe I just won’t wake up so I can be dead and have some peace.” But no. I wake up every morning and realize that I have to keep doing this. I have to keep going on everyday because killing myself would just end up hurting everyone else. So yeah, I’m just trapped with seemingly no way out.