It hurts… it hurts to go on and keep breathing. I hate myself for burning every bridge and destroying my closest friendships. I guess in my fucked up brain I thought it would be better to make everyone not care about me now and hate me, then to hurt them later when they find out about my funeral. Not only did I not want them to stop me, I also didn’t want to hurt them. I didn’t want them to find out about my lifeless body and have to tell my family because no one else knew anything about my family. I burned everything to the ground then attempted.
After falling to the ground and waking up, I felt the need to be honest. I didn’t want one person to believe everything I said to them. I wanted them to know everything was a lie to push them away. It had been too many hours for them to be able to stop me or change anything so I figured it was safe to open up. I told someone why I did what I did. Slowly becoming more honest as my hands shaked and vision blurred. I asked them to tell that person that they didn’t do anything wrong and I just wanted them to hate me.
I got part of what I wanted. They’re probably still filled with anger and want nothing to do with me but sadly I’m still alive. I regret everything, not only pushing them away, not only the pain that goes through my body today, but also hurting the ones that picked up the pieces. They didn’t ask for this. They deserve so much better.
They tried their best to make me smile, bringing pancakes to my bed, putting on cartoons, and showing me their favorite places in hopes that it would bring me joy. The days after they constantly checked up on me. I know I hurt them. I could tell they were hurt that I felt like I didn’t deserve to live. I still don’t want to live to my 19th birthday. They spent the last week trying to make me smile but I still can’t find a will to live.
I’m in college but I’m still codependent. I can’t and haven’t lived for myself in years. I hang on for others. I don’t want to hurt them. But I know if they find my lifeless body, they’ll be hurting. I still blame myself for not being able to save my best friend 4 years ago. She dealt with pain that was unbearable and I wasn’t there for her when she needed me the most. It’s not her fault I’m still hurting, it’s not her fault that she dealt with so much pain.
I still feel bad for hurting others. I’m a horrible person that just causes destruction. I hurt everyone around me. I am incapable of being a functional person. I disappoint everyone. I feel like the only reason people stay in my life is because they know I’m suicidal.
They call because they don’t want me to end it all. I wish I wasn’t such a burden. I wish I didn’t destroy my relationships with my closest friends. I wish I could find a reason to live to 19. But I can’t keep going, it hurts to much. I just don’t want to live through another failed attempt.