I feel broken every single day. My life was perfect in every way and then 2 years ago my life tumbled around me for no apparent reason. The details are not that important but everything collapsed. After a lie detector to prove my innocence in something and doing everything I possibly could, it was still questioned and flatly not believed. I woke up in April 2020 and realised that there was actually no way that I wanted to live this silly life any longer. That I just wanted the pain to go away and I didnt know how apart from just not being around anymore. On my birthday shortly after I attempted to kill myself the first time and I managed to take a lot of pills that made me ill for a while but I kept waking up. Later in the year I was in hospital for another attempt but still I kept waking up. It is like the world wants me here to punish me and show me how inadequate and awful I am. I don’t think I am awful but what does it matter when the people closest to you think you are. People will tell you not to worry about what people think but our identity is comprised of social constructs that are a product of what people think. Its how the world works really. My view of myself has crumbled in so many ways and while I am not sure I want to die, I know for sure that I want to stop hurting and being alive hurts so much every single day. I hate my life so much right now and I just want to sleep peacefully without the horrible notion of waking up in the morning and having to face more pain that the day before.