Hello everyone… This is my first post. It’s good to see that there is a forum dedicated to our shared interest. I’m not depressed or impulsive, but I think often about the topic of taking my own life. I’m a young 54 years old. I’m actually successful by most standards. I own my own car, my own home, two small businesses, and I enjoy composing music and singing, exercising, and eating healthy. I don’t smoke, drink, or take drugs. I’m in good health, pain-free, and debt-free.
I loved the story of Lisette Gabrielle Nigot in Mademoiselle and the Doctor. Her story really touched my heart. I wish I could have met her, convinced her to be my friend, and made her want to live a little longer, but the choice to exit this world is a deeply personal one for us all. No one else can truly know the pain that another heart carries. Each pain is unique, and who is to say who suffers the most? Does it matter? I believe everyone suffers.
I have known about the beautiful escape potential of the so-called peaceful pill and inert gases (apparently we’re not allowed to mention the actual names here?) for a long time. It’s a relief to know those two completely pain-free options are there. I’m not afraid of death at all. I simply want it to be pain-free and peaceful.
The one part of my life that I want to escape from is my loneliness and craving for love; the same kind of love I give with all my heart. Please don’t misunderstand. I actually had the beauty of that kind of love twice in my life. I found my soulmate in high school, and she loved me as no one ever had before, but our relationship ended because I joined the service and moved away. We were too young for the trauma of being apart. Losing her broke my soul, crushed my spirit, and changed who I was. Many experience the same ordeal. I had never loved anyone like I loved her. She was a perfect 10 in my eyes, and she was my best friend, soulmate, lover, and so much more. It took me 11 years to move beyond the heartbreak of losing her. Even today, it still hurts…a lot. Then, I married a wonderful woman, but it never came close to what I had with my high school sweetheart, and we divorced after a short marriage. Then, I married another woman. We were married for nearly seven years, but I never loved her nearly as deeply as my high school love, and we ultimately divorced, but remained friends. Both of my wives were also beautiful women, with wonderful loving hearts, but it’s not the same when your heart still pines for the one you truly love; the one I bonded with for life.
Later, in 2016, I met a woman who changed my life. She was attractive and wonderful beyond words. Although she wasn’t nearly as attractive as my high school sweetheart or either of my wives, in my eyes, she was. Oh God, she was. I loved her like I’ve never loved anyone. She was perfect for me. Before her, the relationship I had with my high school sweetheart was always the gold standard to me — a level-10 relationship. My two marriages were around level-5 relationships, by comparison. The woman I met and fell in love with in 2016 was well beyond a 10. OMG, she was so perfect and loved me so perfectly. We were best friends, lovers, and soulmates. I’ve never loved anyone as much as I loved her, and I’ve never felt as much love from anyone as the love she gave me.
Very tragically, our beautiful relationship ended after three years, for reasons I don’t wish to go into deeply. Basically, she was an alcoholic, and I pushed her away because that was the only part of her I didn’t adore. How foolish of me, right? OMG what was I thinking? She never forgave me for that and moved on. It left me so broken. I fell apart and didn’t eat for two weeks. Losing her was entirely of my own doing. I did it to myself. She loved me so perfectly, and I pushed her away like a fool, and now she’s gone forever.
I know I can never have that kind of love again. My heart has been so broken for 2 years. I have so much to offer a beautiful spirit. I have a beautiful, loving, generous, gentle spirit, but I ruined it with her.
I’ve actually been dating a beautiful woman now for nine months. I was resolved to love her more than I’ve ever loved anyone. I made her my sole focus in this world and I made loving her my calling. I wrote a love song for her, and I give her countless gifts, love, support, devotion, adoration, and attention. I show her more love than she has ever known, but, very sadly, she cannot love very deeply, and she can barely say the words. She was hurt before, and it’s nearly impossible to learn the details of that, but I think she hates men and is just using me. I pray I’m wrong. I buy her many things, and she can barely express gratitude, but the only gratitude I want is her love. Her love is all I crave, and nothing material. I was sort of resolved to the idea of just being able to live for someone else (her), be her hero, give her everything she needs and wants, and love and adore her to no end, but I don’t think that resonates with her at all. Yet the prospect of trying to find my twin soulmate in this huge world is next to impossible. Living for someone else and putting her needs and wants before everything else in this world is really all that matters to me now, but I’m with someone who doesn’t love or feel very deeply. The women in her life and around her think, “That b****! Look at what he does for her and how much he loves her! Why doesn’t my man treat me like a princess, as he treats her?”
I think I will ultimately sell everything I own, to simplify my estate to cash, leave it all to her (my current girlfriend who cannot deeply love), and fly to Switzerland for a peaceful exit with [everyone knows the two organizations that we apparently cannot type here].
I said earlier that I’m not depressed, and I’m not. I’m just extremely tired of going through this world day after day, year after year, decade after decade, without having someone to share my level of love without messing it up somehow. I have only myself to blame. Yes, I had my chances, and I blew it, and I don’t feel like making the effort anymore. I have plenty of material things, but my life is very empty and very lonely. I’m only alive now because it gives me comfort to live for, love, and serve an emotionless woman. I’m often so sad and feel so empty. I have no bucket list, because I’ve done everything I wanted to do a few times. All I wanted was to find my perfect love, my perfect soulmate (which I had twice), but I know that it’s next to impossible now. I’m very weary of the chase, and I’m ready for the ride to end and to exit this world peacefully. I strongly envy all my family members and friends who are gone. Sadly, they loved life. It’s very sad that I didn’t go instead.
Many want to prolong life no matter what. Many like me are simply tired of the ride. It’s not a case of “my heart is broken, and I impulsively want to end my life”. My heart has been broken and healed and broken again for decades now. I’m exhausted of that cycle. I love the woman I am with very much, but she’s a blank slate emotionally, yet she is very intelligent, like me. I’m buying her a new SUV and a new Rolex this weekend because she takes such pleasure from material things, and it does make me happy to see her happy, but she feels nothing from the sincere words “I love you, my precious darling.” She says she does, but she doesn’t. She is so dead inside and I feel so sorry for her. She is so beautiful, and she’s sweet in her own way, but she does not love, or feel love (at least not from me).
I’m a Taurus by the way. Taurus loves very deeply. My love language is acts of service and physical touch. My two greatest loves were both Cancers… those two signs are ideal matches. But again, I blew it with both. The one I’m with now is an Aquarius. We’re the absolute worse possible match on paper, yet I still show her far more love, patience, kindness, adoration, tenderness, attentiveness, and commitment to her material and emotional needs than she has ever known. My sister said it looks like I am trying to buy her love, and she tells me that I am so much better than that, and she’s right, but I cannot face the prospect of another breakup and being alone again. I’d literally rather die. So, I’m calm, I sane, I have the information that I need for a peaceful exit, and I’ve been so weary and exhausted with this ride for decades now. We all know it ends anyway. It’s much better to escape the ride on our own terms. It would be so wonderful to hold the hand of a kindred spirit as we fall asleep for the final time, peacefully, together. We can only hope that our spirits are released to everlasting joy when we go to the “other side”, but it’s probably nothingness without consciousness, which is fine too.
Anyway, I’m glad to see that this forum exists and that I’m not alone.
I’m happy to hear your stories and talk to you. I cannot possibly know your level of pain or unhappiness, and I will never judge anyone or remotely think I have it worse than anyone else. We all carry our own pain and hurt and sadness and grief in this world.
Peace to all…
Best,
Me
7 comments
sounds like you take quite a bit of your identity from your romantic relationships… and that’s not working out. I challenge you to find who you are apart from whomever you with. It’s a journey worth taking, because there is more to who you are.
I’m on a similar journey with (or technically without) my career. Minus what I studied, and intended to do with my life, I feel adrift, empty. The fact is that economically I no longer have faith in it. I don’t have faith in employers for that matter. Yet, living goes on, and some people appear to want me to stay alive. I don’t get it either, but to be honest I don’t see why that should be the area that my input matters.
Thank you for responding. You’re right. My emotional attachment to the woman I love is all I care about. It’s a blissful Heaven to me, and nothing else matters. It’s all I need or want in this world. I do have many hobbies and interests, but none of it matters to me without the bliss of a woman’s complete and perfect love. I had it twice. I’ve tried for years. Even if I get it again, something would probably go wrong, or she would get sick and die. Either would devastate me and crush me again. I have plenty of money and material things, and I’m with a good woman who is a great catch, and I love spoiling her to the max, but she can’t truly love… not in the way I do, so I feel very empty and alone and lonely most of the time, because she doesn’t love me in the way I need to be loved. She loves me, but it’s shallow.
Time is passing by for everyone, and my best days, best memories, and best loves are in the past. I’m not ready to end my ride today, but it’s good to have peaceful, easy, painless options like the peaceful pill and inert gases when I’m ready to leave. I’m actually very sorry I was ever born. If I could chose to have never lived, I would chose that. I dont like the rollercoaster of life at all, which ends in death anyway. Life’s a b****n and then you die.
Peace,
escape2peace
The parallels are staggering. Almost to a T. I share your pain, and have held off leaving for a chance things would improve, but my girlfriend pulls farther away, we have separate beds, there is no intimacy and only one way communication from me, she now takes jobs that take her on the road and when home, prefers to stay at friends overnight rather than be home. She has taken no interest in helping manage and keep up ‘her’ house, as I pay rent, and lately I see items like clothes disappearing, leading me to think she is testing couch- hopping and lightening her load for a quick departure, yet denies any such thing. I have been managing her dogs and house and all under that roof for the last two years, I am tired and alone and like you, just have no desire to start anew. Its been a mostly good life, some regrets but mostly not. I seek oblivion and have the means, albeit messy and violent, and now plan to liquidate everything so as just to leave it in her account and off myself far away so theres no association to where we live etc. I will miss the dogs terrible, she neglects all of us so.
Thanks for posting. There are a lot of people exactly like us who aren’t impulsive, or even momentarily upset and thinking of ending their lives, I’ve seen the big picture, and I think you have too. There are many things that make me happy and content, and I’ve had them all numerous times. I lead a “happy” life and can do anything i want to do, but it’s truly a meaningless, shallow existence without a deep, meaninfgul love from someone else. I’ve taken the Soul Care course, which urges someone to find happiness in God and in one’s self. The main message is “You have to be happy with yourself and not need someone else to complete you.” Otherwise, “broken attracts broken”, so, “become unbroken to attract unbroken”.
Um, sure. I’ll just become unbroken and not need the love of someone else and be happy with me and God. Okay… Got it.
It may work that way for some, but it never has for me. I love being in love. I love loving a woman and being loved in return, where we are one, inseperable, and so happy together. I had it twice, and it was so beautiful, but given enough time, something always goes wrong. It’s not unique to me. It’s part of the human condition. We all suffer pains. Yeah, I can easily man up and take it. I always have. I’m just very tired of it, as you seem to be.
I’ll record some videos to let those whom I love know that I’ve lived a very good and successul life, I did all I wanted to do and more, I loved wonderful women who loved me back, and now I’m simply tired of life and can’t think of the next challenge to inspire me to put in the effort to do it. I will also be sure to tell my sister and family not to blame or say mean or hateful things to my girlfriend. She was hurt a lot by her abusive ex and she simply cannot love or trust anyone very deeply anymore. It’s so sad. She has that with me, and she won’t let me go because I spoil and worship her so much, and I try so hard to get her to open up and feel and express love, but she can’t. We do make love, but it’s more like a process to her than an act of beautiful, creative, inspiring love, which is all that I’d know before her. It’s so sad. I feel so sorry for her, but I can’t fix her, and my love can’t fix her. Maybe more time? Some days, I’m resolve to just live everyday for her, as her support pillar in this world. She’s really my sole focus. I have good income streams, and I give her everything, and not just material things, but lots of acts of service, and things like “We Love You” dinners with her friends and family to honor her and remind her that she is very special and loved. She enjoys it, yes, but only in the most superficial of ways.
There are no easy answers, and no magic end dates. I’m just very please to know there are easy options when life becomes unbearable. It’s always hard to imagine not being here the next day, but when I think about all of those whom I’ve loved that are gone, and those who will be gone someday, it makes it easier. It makes it easier to know and remember that everyone dies. We have no choice. The only question is, “What more is there for me in this world before I go?” That’s a personal question each person must answer for themselves. Not dying in pain, misery, or agony is HUGE to me. I simply want to go to sleep, painlessly, and not wake up. That is easily doable with the peaceful pill or inert gases. Exit International continues to faciliate a great discussion about that, as its founder has for years. I’m very greatful for the open dialog that they foster about peaceful exits.
Please excuse any typos. I’m too tired to proof it right now.
escape2peace
I know my limitations. I know what, for me will be unendureable. Ram Dass has some greats talks on Youtube. That is keeping me on target and helping resist being kept in this manifestation. I gat word and the relationship is over. I am cleaning the house of my presence and will be ending my employment tomorrow to be with the dogs this week as I finalize the decoupling. They ear the only ones who love and accept me. Without them I lack the strength to want to risk or try again. I will put this burden down.
Hi Escape2peace, I am having a pretty bad day. I read what you wrote and was touched by it. Is there any chance that we can talk? Just so I can tell domeone about the man I love deeply and cannot have. I’m sorry if this is too much
Hi Koalaedi… Of course. You can write to me at yescando2019 at protonmail dot com.