I was raped once by an ex who stalked me vehemently and waited for me outside my uni accom on New Year’s before he raped me thrice.
From that, I got PTSD, mad depression and my Law degree has suffered so badly.
Last week, my Airbnb host potentially spiked my drink and I don’t know if he did anything to me while I blacked out. Had to get a police report and fund my travel to the other end of the next town to even get a Forensics Rape Kit. They can’t help me. I sold my bags to afford the fare.
My uni won’t let me resit one exam and without resitting it, I can’t get a 2:1 Law Degree. This is a death sentence.
Last night, my Narcissistic mom told me she doesn’t care if I go jump off a cliff. My life is in pieces.
I have so much more I want to do; I want to climb more mountains, I want to see my grandparents. I don’t want to hurt them or my sister and father.
But I have to do it. I’m thinking of going to the forest far away (one way trip), a bottle of vodka, some mixers, notes to warn any hikers or families, and a rope. I don’t know if methods can be discussed here.
I don’t know. I just need to tell somebody.
8 comments
I think of going to the forest/ woodland type areas too. I had a brief investigation of a local park a while ago but couldn’t deem any of the trees I saw satisfactory for the task in question. I’m one step away from just typing local woods into google maps and driving immediately should a suitable destination appear. You mention vodka to relax your mind before the act, in my case when everything is set up and ready to go I would gulp 10 sleepers , wait 10 minutes for the tranquilizing effect to kick in and jump with rope, meaning i go out extremely intoxicated and not in terror.
Hey when all else fails, live for revenge. Justice would be the euphemism. But you can focus on getting back at your attackers whether that means pursuing criminal charges (you’re the law student so you’d know all about the ways to do that) or whether it means enjoying life to spite them. Climb those mountains and visit your grandparents, and definitely get away from the ones who hurt you. If nothing else you can enjoy your last week of life, then make up your mind what to do next.
I support your right to exit if that is your ardent desire.
Being me, however, and seeking purpose I want to let you know that it sounds like you’ve been trying as hard as you can. Sometimes that isn’t enough to meet the goal, and also sometimes goals are not capable of being met. I wanted to do a PhD in Clinical Psychology. Due to my financial position, it would have to be in the context of an assistantship. Yet, the process of seeking admitance has required me to admit that it wouldn’t fill the hole inside me. Hence, as it isn’t much of a solution, I’m trying to abandon it.
It sounds like you have a bit of tunnel vision about getting that law degree. I can understand that, you’ve worked hard to get where you are, and you don’t want to lose that progress. There might be another path, perhaps another university, or an internship at a law firm in your preferred area of practice.
I only know how it is in my state, where if you can pass the bar you can practice. I’ve wrestled myself with whether I should study and sit the exam. I’m a recovering work a holic, and sometimes I wonder if my ideas for moving forward are in fact a descent once more into hiding from my problems in my work. Then I wonder if I really want to escape from that modality. I do, but not enough apparently.
If your own family is pushing you to suicide, cutting them out of your life can do wonders for your mental health. It will be difficult, you will need some financial footing, either in you bank, or in a support system from peers. They will fight back vehemently, my parents resorted to stalking and tracking as well before I found success.
you leave this world, i understand, but if you want to fight, this should be a priority.
I’m sorry for what you’re going though. I can’t relate on the rape, but I know he’s depression can get someone really down. Sometimes we have to find ways to overcome it though. It’s never easy and it won’t go away quick, but usually I would say therapy and meds might be a start. Though I know they don’t work for everyone. You should really think about it first before doing anything though. I can’t stop you if you decide to go through with it. I have attempted before, but failed. I would try to at least try the therapy and meds at least. Give it a shot and see how it goes. Depression can really get you down and it would seem you’re at ur breaking point of life. I’ve been there my myself. Why am I still alive? I’m not sure. I guess I decided to get myself into the things I love doing again to keep me going. To give me a purpose I would suppose. You should also see what ur purpose is. I do wish you the best of luck.
hey :/
still here kind soul?
i’m really hoping[& praying] You’re still here & that You’re okay & didn’t try anything
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some of the comments above are really good starting points for You to think about a way out of the current situation, without having to leave ‘life’ behind all together
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let’s talk about it
i think about You a lot… please say something : (