This is the first time I’ve posted on here and I am in my early twenties. It’s not like I haven’t struggled in the past I just never knew how to start writing what I’m feeling because I don’t even know. Here it goes….
Ever since I could remember I always felt off in my life. I never felt like I was good enough and thought that I had to be perfect in the eyes of those around me. As I have grown older, I have contemplated suicide but I have realized want death, I just want to disappear. I feel as if those around me would have a weight lifted off their shoulders without me in their life. It would just be easier for them if I wasn’t there.
I get periods of highs and lows. When I feel good, I feel happy and confident. On the other hand there will be periods of days to weeks where I just don’t know how I can continue on and I feel as if I can’t do anything right in my life. I can’t do school, I push people away and just wish I could just fade away.
How do you talk to people around you and ask them for help. I feel as though no one truly sees me for me and I can’t talk to the people that supposedly care about me because I don’t want to put that added pain on them. My best friend and sister struggle with an eating disorder, my brother struggles with a chronic illness , anxiety and self-harm and I can see the look in my parents eyes when we talk about my siblings pain. In the grand scheme of things my situation doesn’t seem as bad as I have done well in my life. I have friends, am in university, have a good part-time job at a clinic and have a research position. From the outside looking in I am thriving. But, on the inside I never feel good enough and feel as if I am letting these people down because I can’t take away their pain and can’t be their rock for them. I just don’t know what to do.
I feel like I’m drowning in pain and loneliness’, but this pain is almost comforting as I have been with it. I am not sure what it is, but all that darkness makes me feel almost at home. I just wish it would consume me already.