Just Venting. I’m so sad. Saw my sister for the first time in a year. She’s expecting her first child. I’m glad for her, but it reminds me that I will never be a father. I don’t even want a family right now, but it’s knowing it’s not even an option that hurts.

What I want is a partner (at least some of the time). But I’m so far away from being capable of that. Even if I could somehow deceive someone into caring for me, and find someone that could stand to be around me 24/7, it’s not something I could do to someone I cared about. I wouldn’t want anyone I cared for to be involved in my mess. It wouldn’t be fair or right.

But I also can’t stand to be this lonely & isolated. I know I’m not the only one. I know some people are happy like this. But I wasn’t made for this. I don’t deserve intimacy or company or affection, but I need it. I need someone to really know me and care about me. To notice when I’m not there. To really understand me, without being repulsed. Not having that hurts.

And it’s not that I don’t deserve the pain. I am in no sense a victim, or deserving of sympathy. But I can’t bear it. I would cry, but crying provides no relief. There’s nothing I can do, but wait for the reality to fade back into my subconscious. Distract myself until the truth slips away.

I’m so sad, and there’s no hope, and there’s nothing to be done. And I’m not going to kill myself, because I still care about the family I do have, though they don’t really know me. So there’s just sadness…alternated by forgetting…until I die. So here’s to forgetting.