I tried again. After 15 years. Only this time, I messed up and gave myself horrible brain damage. Feels like everything is happening in slow motion and my hands shake so I miss everything I’m reaching for. I’m starting to think death isn’t even real anymore. I can’t manage to kill myself no matter how hard I try. What if instead of dying we just end up somewhere else like Hamlet said? I’m hopeless though so I’ve given up on living at the same time I’m not dead. I guess I’m just living in the past. Living in the pretend when that girl still loved me, when my mother still cared, when I was still young and vibrant and handsome. I’m never gonna try to kill myself again. I don’t want to mess up and cause even further brain damage. That time I did it, I almost fell like I was falling off a cliff into hell. I never want to try again. I’m too tired to commit suicide now. Oh the irony…. Just when I need an exit strategy the most, I can never have it again.