I had been wanting to die for about 6 years now. It still feels so normal. The intrusive thoughts of self harm, the gut wrenching pain of existing, the struggle to be productive, and my self hatred all feel like they have always been there, I forget what life was like without them. It took me a very long time to realize I needed help, to realize that I was allowed to feel this way and to begin to alter my mindset. However, now that I have, I am scared that it might have been too late. My boyfriend has helped a lot. I feel so extremely happy when I am with him, and he has expressed that he will be there for me, through the good times and bad.
Now, I want to live, and a major part of that decision is that it means I will be able to spend more time with him. But, wanting to live doesn’t feel normal. And I know that it is going to be a long and excruciating process before it does again, if it ever will. I don’t want my emotional baggage to become his. I don’t want him to leave me because of my fluctuating and stressful mental state. I don’t want him to have to watch someone he loves suffer. I know I should begin to find other reasons to live for, but I have been extremely disillusioned with the world lately, and the distance between me at college and him at home does not help very much.
I’m gonna goddamn try though.
1 comment
If you’re looking for reasons to live, best advice I can give is to make a list. The big reasons like your boyfriend, the medium and the small. The small can be anything from seeing the flowers bloom in spring to finishing a show. Once all those things are in one place it makes it much easy to visualize what you have to live for, all of it adds up and it makes that voice of doubt dull for a while.
Anything you can think of, whether it’s meaningless or not putting it all there makes life seem worth living at least one more day.