Over the past eight months I’ve been in the hospital, a residential program, an intensive therapy program, however, I find myself returning to the same emotional place. This reminds me of a poem I read years ago about one person’s descent into madness was symbolized by a raven coming back to him. Each time he lets it fly away it circles back. This is how I am now. Each time I try to work one item to get out of this something else goes wrong. It is like I am playing against a stacked deck. My wife leaving me, my health taking a downturn and now my job seems uncertain. Personally, I see no joy going forward. I’ve been told I should accept that, go on and that “things get better”. Well, I’ve experienced that in two major cycles in my life already. Yes, things got better, but then they seemed to have gotten a whole lot worse. Thus, it has to stop here.
This holiday is agony so far, and I do not see myself lasting much longer.
Again, I find myself looking closely at the means. In prior posts when I talk about this, I have found that my fears of pain, terror, and my wish that no one else be put in any danger by what I do has been my stumbling block. I also do not want to make a lame ass attempt to garner attention. I think enough people around me have seen my pain this past year so I am not going to waste their time and tie up ER and hospital resources for the purpose of drama. Well, I have a means now and am gathering the pieces so I can follow through.
Now I do see the need to clear up a couple of matters and say some goodbyes, but I do not want to signal what my plan is in the process of that.
4 comments
Life gets so hard, nearly impossible.
Keep trekking, I know you want to give up, but you’ve done really well finding a way through it already.
I’m proud of you for accepting treatment.
I’m sorry your wife left you.
It sounds like you two have known each other for years and years…. that’s painful, but you’ll get past it even if it’s slow
I think I said this, my mom became an addict while after my dad divorced her. She’d drive drunk, and curse and cry herself to sleep. Sometimes she wouldn’t get out of bed.. A lot of pain, like you’re in…
We’re not Appalachian, she was always on top of her game, he was vice president and she was a can do anything everything mom.. and she fell into a hole of alcohol for years.
She pulled herself out of it, quit drinking, and she was well over 50.
And perhaps you’ll never stop caring about your wife, but it gets easier.
It’s hard right now, but keep pushing.
Well over 50, but it started at 56. She’s now in her 70s.. age is no thing by the way, you’re not too old.
Oh, my mother crashed into a stop sign too… she tried crashing herself into a tree and it didnt work out, thankfully.
You just remind me of her so much… , and her darkest times….. for that I love you so much.