I have been on this website for a while now but i never dared to post because i was too scared but today im feeling a bit confident so i will just go for it. I am a 17 years old female. I have been diagnosed with depression since i was 14 and have been on meds since then. I have theraphy every monday and i go there. But nothing has really changed it just gets worse and worse. I was 16 and in 11th grade when i dropped out of highschool i just could’nt do it anymore. I always had huge dreams that i would go to a good university and get the best education out there and be useful and i worked so hard for it. I did everything i can since i started highschool. I did’nt mess up i did’nt slackoff i tried everything to improve my grades. I really tried my best but i could’nt do it anymore. Depression has took away everything i worked so hard for made me fall behind everyone my age and it made me hate myself. All i think about is the past and the future. The past being how i could’ve done things differently and how i would’ve reacted to some sitiuations better. I wish i can change everything i regret everything. I regret not commiting suicide then and there then i regret not taking myself at the same time i dont know what i even want to change but i know that i want to be a freshman again and fix everything. The future being how much i’ve fucked it up already and i’m only 17. I will probably end up with a low paying shitty job and be an alcohol addict i cant see myself doing better or being the person i want to be. I besically see a future thats not exciting and think it would be better if i just die before it happenes. Because something tells me i ruined everything that i destroyed everything and i deserve to get punished for what i’ve done. I can’t stand looking at the person inside the mirror i hate her. She looks disgusting. I hate all the cuts on my arms i hate my body i hate that i am here. I just want to die just not exsist anymore. And i just cant stand myself anymore. I just hate being the person that i am. I am useless to everyone around me i just want to help everyone, love everyone but i just mess everything up i am so scared to tell anyone about this for some reason i dont trust anyone thats inside my life. I feel like if i tell them they are going to use it against me. I am so scared of everything about people looking down on me, about how they are talking about me, about how im so useless compared to everyone, about people finding out about my sexuality and so many things. I just cant live with myself anymore. I have accomplished nothing. I am still living. I envy the dead. I just want to be saved because all my insignificant worries are messing me up. All i think about is death and i just want to be saved by anything, anyone like just anything to end all of this and be normal again. But i know noone can do that except me but im too weak to drag myself out of this hell hole. Im sorry. Im so sorry that i just cant get over myself that i just suck and that im a loser with no future. My family and friends really tried to help and understand me but their hardwork was just in vein and i am sorry i could’nt graduate this year with all my friends. I am sorry for being a disappointment and a waste of money time energy and sorry for making all of you cry. I wish i was the person we all wanted me to be.