I have been on this website for a while now but i never dared to post because i was too scared but today im feeling a bit confident so i will just go for it. I am a 17 years old female. I have been diagnosed with depression since i was 14 and have been on meds since then. I have theraphy every monday and i go there. But nothing has really changed it just gets worse and worse. I was 16 and in 11th grade when i dropped out of highschool i just could’nt do it anymore. I always had huge dreams that i would go to a good university and get the best education out there and be useful and i worked so hard for it. I did everything i can since i started highschool. I did’nt mess up i did’nt slackoff i tried everything to improve my grades. I really tried my best but i could’nt do it anymore. Depression has took away everything i worked so hard for made me fall behind everyone my age and it made me hate myself. All i think about is the past and the future. The past being how i could’ve done things differently and how i would’ve reacted to some sitiuations better. I wish i can change everything i regret everything. I regret not commiting suicide then and there then i regret not taking myself at the same time i dont know what i even want to change but i know that i want to be a freshman again and fix everything. The future being how much i’ve fucked it up already and i’m only 17. I will probably end up with a low paying shitty job and be an alcohol addict i cant see myself doing better or being the person i want to be. I besically see a future thats not exciting and think it would be better if i just die before it happenes. Because something tells me i ruined everything that i destroyed everything and i deserve to get punished for what i’ve done. I can’t stand looking at the person inside the mirror i hate her. She looks disgusting. I hate all the cuts on my arms i hate my body i hate that i am here. I just want to die just not exsist anymore. And i just cant stand myself anymore. I just hate being the person that i am. I am useless to everyone around me i just want to help everyone, love everyone but i just mess everything up i am so scared to tell anyone about this for some reason i dont trust anyone thats inside my life. I feel like if i tell them they are going to use it against me. I am so scared of everything about people looking down on me, about how they are talking about me, about how im so useless compared to everyone, about people finding out about my sexuality and so many things. I just cant live with myself anymore. I have accomplished nothing. I am still living. I envy the dead. I just want to be saved because all my insignificant worries are messing me up. All i think about is death and i just want to be saved by anything, anyone like just anything to end all of this and be normal again. But i know noone can do that except me but im too weak to drag myself out of this hell hole. Im sorry. Im so sorry that i just cant get over myself that i just suck and that im a loser with no future. My family and friends really tried to help and understand me but their hardwork was just in vein and i am sorry i could’nt graduate this year with all my friends. I am sorry for being a disappointment and a waste of money time energy and sorry for making all of you cry. I wish i was the person we all wanted me to be.
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One thing you’ve got going for you is at least one or both of your parents cared enough about you to take you to a doctor at fourteen to be diagnosed with depression. Most of the adults in the world wouldn’t take a severely depressed child seriously and would force them to continue living (with their issues unaddressed) like everyone else and perceive any act of depression as defiance or an inconvenience and then seek to punish the child.
There are plenty of jobs out there which don’t require any qualifications or can be achieved through an apprenticeship.
Another thing is that it’s up to you if you want to become an alcoholic when you’re older. Alcohol is pretty expensive. You could spend that money on something else instead which actually brings some kind of reward with it. Most people have big dreams when they’re young and then gradually lower their expectations as they get older. Just look at how many toddlers want to be an astronaut compared to how many actually become one.
hi I’m really sorry you’re going through this. I know the feeling because I also dropped out due to depression. It really feels like you’re destroying your entire future but please believe me you can take a year or two off, if that’s what it takes to pull yourself together, then go back and finish school. Yeah I know it sucks that all your friends are graduating but don’t worry, you’ll meet an entirely new group of people when you go to college or whatever the next step is. What I’m saying is that it’s not hopeless even though it feels like it. Think about it, it’s just a year or two, some kids get in accidents and have to take off school then go back later. Depression is just as bad as a horrible injury. Give yourself some time to recover, I’m wishing you the best.
Thankyou i really want to go back to school again so this was a nice thing to say.
Thankyou for your kind reply and it just feels like i m ended it way too soon because i really had good grades and bigger hopes i come from poor family so i wanted to help them.
You can go back to school. You’re only 17, you’ve only lost a year. Any school will be happy to take you, or you could look into tests of equivalence some systems offer. You really don’t have to worry about your education. Everyone wants kids to finish school, and will actively help you achieve it. I strongly recommend finishing school. It does more for you than you can imagine.
And you’re worthy of being loved. Not only by the world, but yourself too. Believe it. Don’t talk down to yourself. You’re not a disappointment. You’re a bright young woman with big dreams, and you can make all of them come true.
You still have a chance to get back into school. Depression took most of early 20s and I manage to get a degree later in my late 20s. You can still catch up and reach your dream. Take the GED or what test to graduate. Depression can be overwhelming and can get worse over time. Therapy isn’t for everyone. Some people do well in it and others not so much. Also medicine affects everyone differently. Some people get worse on it and others, it helps out quite well. I know what it’s like to reach your breaking point. Feeling pain everyday, wishing to die as you go into darkness. It’s never easy carry that huge rock on your back everyday. Though it’s good you reach out for help. You want to be saved and have the feeling of wanting to live. It’s just the depression is keeping you from rising up. It’s something you would have to force yourself to get back into, but in little steps. If you ever need someone to talk to, my email is: morganb58@yahoo.com.
I have faith in you.
Thankyou so much
Thankyou very much for all the understanding words and advice.