Terminal depression continues

I wrote about this a couple of months ago and I did not see myself being able to make it through the holiday season, well the holidays are here and so am I.   I wish I were not.   What is stopping me from making this transition.   Surely not the notion that things will get better.   Nothing has gotten better since then and most things have actually gotten worse

Earlier in the year I shared how my depression took a major downturn when my wife informed me that she was leaving me.   I did not act hastily and do something stupid then, that to me is just drama.  Instead, I checked myself into the hospital, and spent 4 weeks trying to sort through everything.   Since that time, I have been in a daily fight with my depression, and I am losing.   Continued therapy has not helped, and everything I try to do for me to make things better seems to be blowing up in my face.  Today I found out that my job could be in jeopardy.    Everything I have touched since that date my wife talked with me seems to blow up in my face.  I use humour as a defense mechanism, and all I can think now is that if I got into the funeral business then no one would die……

I made it through the holiday season keeping the hope that it can get better.  Instead, it has gotten a lot worse.  Everything at work is falling apart.  I’m 60 years old, my health is not that great, and I have no real savings.   Thinking on a cost/benefit basis; the benefits of transitioning how will surely outweigh the potential cost when I lose my job.  Well, it is time to check into my own hospice and move forward.

I’m going to spend the next few days at work fixing what I can fix and documenting what needs to be done so whoever gets my desk will at least have a chance to figure out the workload and what is going on.   The weekend is coming up, and I can come into the office and do a lot of this catch up for the next person then.  I have a plan and I am sure it will succeed.  I hope at that point, I will just fade out of existence.    I have this though that it will be like my last surgery while I was under the anesthesia, and everything was just black.   That will be fine with me.     I am thinking Sunday night is the night.