hi, i’m reaching a breaking point and i just need to vent. buckle up, there’s several years worth of garbage in here, and it’ll probably be near-incomprehensible because i am both very stressed out and very tired, sorry. so i haven’t been doing well since i was twelve, but i’ve kind of brushed it off because i figured that i was too little to have any real problems, as did my mother when i brought it up to her. but it’s been a few years, and i’ve only gotten worse. almost everything makes me nervous now, i can’t just talk to my friends or leave my house even without a sense of dread, and any time i talk to anyone, even if it was a pleasant interaction, i’ll leave thinking that they hate me now, that i must have done something wrong, and i find myself muttering, “i’m sorry, i’m sorry, i’m sorry,” under my breath all the time. it’s so bad that i cry when i’m forced to get out of the car and go to school in the morning. and because school makes me so nervous, i’ve been pulling out all the stops to get my mom to keep me home. this has lead to my grades slipping, so now i have almost failing grades in two of my classes, which is already not fun on it’s own, but is made worse by the fact that i’ve been a straight-a student for my entire life. i’m supposed to go to harvard and set a good example for all of my younger siblings, and i can’t even pass my high school classes. my mom just got a job, so now i’m spending between 20 and 40 hours a week babysitting my six siblings, too, which is both making it absolutely impossible to get literally any homework done and stressing me out to the point where i can hardly cope with anything. and because i’m simply not able to deal with anything at all, i’ve kind of withdrawn from my friends, and so now we’re growing apart and i feel completely isolated in my own mess. i just wish there was anything i could do, but there’s only so much i can do all alone. i know my mom knows i’m not okay, but she won’t do anything. i told her i was feeling bad right at the beginning of this whole train wreck, when i was twelve, and she found out about my self harm twice (i’m almost a year clean, though, i’m really proud of myself for that), she knows that i literally cry when i have to go to school, but she won’t help me. she’s threatened therapy, like it’s a punishment or something, but she won’t send me. and i understand that therapy isn’t free and it takes up time, but i can’t handle this anymore. i’m so tired, i want to die so i can finally catch a goddamn break. i used to feel guilty for thinking that, because i was sure that i’d find a way to get better, but i know that nothing’s ever going to change for me, that i’m never going to be okay again. i just need a hug, i think, and for someone to be there, even for just a little while.
share your suicide story
Report Post
Please log in to report posts
4 comments
I read your story and I’m sorry you’re very stressed and not doing so well in school. I think therapy is an option but meds could be worth a try too. Seeing a psychiatrist. Just know therapy isn’t for everyone, so if it doesn’t go well, it’s not consider a bad thing. The best advice I could give you is to try and do some things you enjoy doing. Like for me it’s music and gaming. With school, I would try your best to get through it. Not sure what grade you are though. You seem to want to live, but you just have so much pain to deal with. That can definitely drive you to ur breaking point. If you get real stressed out, I’ve found out showers get rid of the anxiety out of ur body. I would still get the therapist and possible a psychiatrist for meds. Meds can do wonders, but it can do the opposite. Not to say they’re bad, but they work for some people and others not. Coping and finding a way to get through it is key. It’s not easy though and it will take time. Wether it be months or even years. In the end, it’s up to you what your future holds. Whether you fight the fight or be swallowed in darkness forever. Yes, I know the last part sounds good. I’ve been there. I would just try the things I’ve told you about. Best of luck to you *hug*
I registered to post my own story but ended up reading yours.
I do not hate you.
I HATED going to public school. I begged my mom to home school. She didn’t listen until I just refused to go back junior year. Instead of burying me (like I thought she would do), she just finally accepted it. Nothing in the world was going to make me go back and I guess she somehow just finally sensed that deep down inside. I bought books online and I was homeschooled. I had had enough of school at that time. I was being bullied by adults who were stealing from me and I would get followed around by them, too! I never told my mom because I never told her anything at all. I don’t think she would have listened or done anything, anyway. I was also responsible for my siblings (even the oldest one) and I also did things, physically, to my body that some would consider harm. When my mom discovered it, she convinced herself that the scars on my arm had come from somewhere else (she was in complete denial). I tried talking to school counselors but they mistreated and betrayed me. My only recourse was praying. It helped talking to someone who no one else could influence and didn’t judge (even if it was just in my imagination). I can almost feel your anguish through this device. I’ve been there before. I wish I could give you a REAL hug through the screen and literally cry with you! I hope my experience can help you!
Makes me wonder if your mom’s against online school / or alternative school… I had bad bad anxiety too, and honestly I wish I did that instead of braving through those first couple of years… I was diagnosed with depression when I was 17…
Do you think anxiety/depression medication might help? I would have a sit down chat with your mom about therapy… even though she’s difficult