imtrying

lately i’ve constantly felt disconnected. i’ve felt things around me but i haven’t at the same time. my problems are all popping up left and right and i’m honestly just trying to figure out how to cope. i don’t think i’ve ever felt so alone then i do in these moments. i’ve lost friends left and right and i can’t help but feel disgusted when thinking of myself. I’ve been reading a lot more about how to do it and i’m nervous bc i want too so bad. i know i shouldnt and i don’t even have a method but i’m just trying. i want to make it to graduation and i want to be something great in this world. it’s just becoming to hard. it’s hard to feel like i’m suffocating and grasping and scratching for anybody to come save me but nobody will. i know that i’m loved but i don’t feel it. my home feels like prison but i know they love me. i stay for my brother but he leaves soon and i don’t know what to do then. once i lose him what do i do. the urges and dissociation are wigging out and i can’t take it anymore. i’m drowning but trying to swim