The voices. I listened to them for 3 years. Every day I listened to them tell me how worthless I was, how I didn’t deserve a loving family, that I was stupid and would be better off dead. Then one day, the voices stopped. I haven’t heard them in nearly a year, until last week.
In the past year of peace and quiet, my wife and I have redeveloped our relationship and we actually act like husband and wife instead of roommates or business partners. My daughter adores me again and my son actually acknowledges my existence. I’ve got a good job, comfortable home, good running car. Then the other shoe dropped. My wife and I have become very close. She’s my everything. I hate it when she is gone. It’s not a control thing it’s purely emotional. Life doesn’t make sense when she’s gone. Well she left a week ago Thursday for Pennsylvania for an international student convention with the school she works at. She and my daughter were gone 10 days. During that time, slowly dark thoughts began creeping into my brain. Fear. Anxiety. Unreasonable fears fueling thoughts that are equally far fetched.
It culminated today. The voices are back. Telling me those same lies I listened to every day for 3 years. It nearly broke my marriage, wrecked my home and I nearly ended up dead on multiple occasions from unsuccessful (obviously) attempts at ending the nonsense and the pain.
I’m not taking any medications. No psychological meds, no blood pressure meds, nothing. Nearly a year of peace is now shattered by my biggest fear of all. The voices. What will they tell me to do? Will I listen to them again? My family can’t take this again, I will lose them all. I don’t want to listen to them but I don’t think I have the fight in me to resist them.
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Sorry to hear that…I wonder if there’s something that triggers it like being all alone. I wouldn’t have much to suggest aside from focusing on other things in life so you don’t hear them or maybe see a therapist, perhaps meds could help.
Over time I saw my mother subtly degenerate mentally. Life had been hard on her, raising 3 kids on her own, moving to a new country (though she wasn’t divorced at the time). She also believes in religion so is somewhat delusional.
She hears voices occasionally as well. At first it was jarring for me as a young son (early 20s) to see one’s mother lose grasp on reality, but my close sibling and I just treated her with more compassion and understanding and she seemed to do well for many years.
She’s still doing ok now and is able to keep that ‘crazy’ side of hers to herself but will occasionally tell me some strange things. My worry is if she loses grasp with reality, but I think she’ll be fine. She’s in her 70s and I believe she had a mini-stroke and lost some critical memories….I think if it happens again, she’ll be ‘gone.’
I think having a family that cares about you, probably helps a lot with keeping those voices at bay…I think it works for my mother too. I know she won’t be around too long and I plan to find a partner in time so I don’t end up alone.
LIfe is tough…I was blissfully unaware of these things in my youth and while I had problems then, it really was the best part of my life…wish I could go back and do things the ‘right way.’