Detached

This is my first post on this site after being an infrequent reader since high school.

Things in my life have been going well for the most part…I literally traveled to another country (my dream destination) over a month ago. I have a great and well-paying job (although it’s stressful right now), my own apartment that I can comfortably afford, the sweetest dog, a working car…I am so unbelievably privileged. But ever since I got back from my trip I’ve been so detached from my life.

I feel directionless. There are things I want to do with my life, so badly, but instead I watch TV and zone out playing video games. Thankfully I don’t have a drinking problem – although the fear of becoming an alcoholic like my father is an incessant fear – but I turn to food for comfort. I’ve struggled to make friends since graduating from college, as I’m not one to put myself out there. Dating has not gone well for me, for the most part. I feel like an idiot at work almost daily; the imposter syndrome is real.

All in all, I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know what it is exactly, nor do I have the motivation to figure out what it is that I need.

I’ve been trying to deny it but familiar feelings have been quietly creeping in. I acknowledged the severity of my depression a few weeks ago, but as of this moment, I’m realizing now that I’m feeling suicidal again for the first time in years.

I’m scared. The desire to give in is so strong and my will to live is low. I’m struggling to see the purpose of continuing when existence just brings pain. I don’t know what to do.

I want to feel attached to something – anything – to keep me here, because I know leaving is the wrong choice.