I am just done

I think passively almost daily now…I wish i was dead. There seems to be no purpose for the chronic pain, the high stress of a thankless job, the constant alone-ness even though i am supporting my adult daughter, severely autistic grandson. I am 62 but back, neck and diverticulitis issues , asthma, arthritis make me feel much older. I am trapped by circumstances living in an area i really can’t afford, so my retirement will only last about 4 years no matter when i do that. I have not ideated the concept much, but the thought that my insurance policy payoff now would better be spent on my daughter caring full time for my grandson (if i just took a drive out to the desert with my handgun and some booze.)  But getting smeared by a city bus would be even better.

I have read of peoples chronic pain and suffering and i know i am in better straights there, but i understand why ending all this crap is not necessarily a bad thing.
It is so lonely from a intellectual perspective that I am driven here to share it with nobody.
Thanks for reading.