Haven’t been here for a while. A good few years, I guess. Some things have changed. Got into a surprisingly healthy relationship. Cut ties with my folks and the fundamentalist cult we were a part of. I understand and care about things now.
If I’m being honest, though, lots of things haven’t. I’m still a cutter. Still on painkillers. Still too scared to stop someone from assaulting me. Still can’t get my shitty parents off my mind. Still occupying the same place in society.
And I can’t help but think of all the times I’ve been told “it gets better” and be angry. Suicidal people aren’t stupid, and not everyone’s problem is the immediate hurt after a break up, a type of mourning that is normal, expected, and short-lived, all things considered. And I’m stuck with this bitterness, because I knew even back then that it wouldn’t get better. Some things just don’t go away.
I’ve been cutting for over a decade. 12 years. Over half my lifetime. And why? So I don’t kill myself. Because turns out that hasn’t gone away either. Well, why not? Because turns out, when you’re brain is wired since birth to self-destruct, and you’ve got your whole life built on that rotten foundation, there’s nothing that can stop that rot from spreading up the structure. And even though I feel like I’m getting better and doing maintenance on myself, I recognize that it’s only painting a new coat over wherever the rot shows through. It’ll keep happening, and the house will still rot through.
But go on, tell me how “it gets better” and that “suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem” so you can rub it in my face, rub it in all of our faces that your problems will end if you simply persevere.
The only thing that’s ever gotten me to think twice about attempting is the fact that commiting suicide makes it significantly more likely that people who know you (even if they don’t know you well) will attempt suicide themselves. No “your parents will miss you ?”, no “this world needs you ??” bullshit. Just facts. Suicide is hard to commit successfully, per the data, and if you do, it can pretty negatively affect the people around you.
9 attempts in. My body’s started to try to shut down on its own now. Some people were programmed and trained to self-destruct. Some people don’t get better.
Anyway, this is the only community I miss because the people on here don’t bullshit you, and it’s nice to have a community of people who’ve been long-term suicidal, so that’s why I’m back.