Haven’t been here for a while. A good few years, I guess. Some things have changed. Got into a surprisingly healthy relationship. Cut ties with my folks and the fundamentalist cult we were a part of. I understand and care about things now.
If I’m being honest, though, lots of things haven’t. I’m still a cutter. Still on painkillers. Still too scared to stop someone from assaulting me. Still can’t get my shitty parents off my mind. Still occupying the same place in society.
And I can’t help but think of all the times I’ve been told “it gets better” and be angry. Suicidal people aren’t stupid, and not everyone’s problem is the immediate hurt after a break up, a type of mourning that is normal, expected, and short-lived, all things considered. And I’m stuck with this bitterness, because I knew even back then that it wouldn’t get better. Some things just don’t go away.
I’ve been cutting for over a decade. 12 years. Over half my lifetime. And why? So I don’t kill myself. Because turns out that hasn’t gone away either. Well, why not? Because turns out, when you’re brain is wired since birth to self-destruct, and you’ve got your whole life built on that rotten foundation, there’s nothing that can stop that rot from spreading up the structure. And even though I feel like I’m getting better and doing maintenance on myself, I recognize that it’s only painting a new coat over wherever the rot shows through. It’ll keep happening, and the house will still rot through.
But go on, tell me how “it gets better” and that “suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem” so you can rub it in my face, rub it in all of our faces that your problems will end if you simply persevere.
The only thing that’s ever gotten me to think twice about attempting is the fact that commiting suicide makes it significantly more likely that people who know you (even if they don’t know you well) will attempt suicide themselves. No “your parents will miss you ?”, no “this world needs you ??” bullshit. Just facts. Suicide is hard to commit successfully, per the data, and if you do, it can pretty negatively affect the people around you.
9 attempts in. My body’s started to try to shut down on its own now. Some people were programmed and trained to self-destruct. Some people don’t get better.
Anyway, this is the only community I miss because the people on here don’t bullshit you, and it’s nice to have a community of people who’ve been long-term suicidal, so that’s why I’m back.
16 comments
Welcome back 🙂
Depression is a fight, but we’re in this together here. When did you first join?
Thanks. 2014, I think, was when I started on here. Maybe before. And I think my last post on here was 2018 so it’s been a moment.
You’re a veteran then. Pandemic days brought me here.
My name’s Ashley by the way 🙂
Fundamentalist church?
Cult*?
Nice to meet ya, I’m K, and yeah, the little fundie cult I was in is just about defunct. Glad to let them pass into the dark, miserable fuckers. They’ve ruined enough lives.
I remember you, I feel. It’s nice to see you. I will always appreciate that I can be wholly unfiltered here, as you said.
I feel this too. In a lot of ways this is the place I am most comfortable as well. I think we all know life is hard enough as is so we are good about not judging each other.
my therapist would make me identify WHO told me that it would get better, and that’s the part I usually forget, and gaslight/undermine me that way
I think those who say it will get better fall into certain groups;
idiots
people who have never experienced real pain in their lives
people with a limited enough sample to make such a thing appear true
Think about it, some communities are really tight, and so people have to get better for the sake of the community. I remember when I was reading depression research finding that people with a close community rarely report being depressed.
I also think people on average acclimate to whatever awful situation they are shoved in. So it might appear to be better, even though it is objectively the same (hence idiots)
Some things get better, but it might not be enough.
For sure. It’s like when wealthy people discuss having depression. People who’ve had access to resources, often caring families, and money enough that losing food and shelter weren’t an issue. And they try to pretend like they have the capacity to feel the same level of depression as someone who’s at the bottom of society. Poverty is a great generator of depression. And then wealthy folks have the gall to tell you all you need to do to heal yourself is to travel the globe, or something else equally inaccessible to anyone trapped in the claws of poverty.
Advice from idiots really is what it all is.
Welcome back seems not like the right thing to say, but I’ll say it anyway. Not sure if you remember me, but in any case I’m glad to see you’ve been up to a lot (from the good, to the bad, to the ugly) these past years.
Oh shit, sucks that you’re still here too, but I’m real glad you’re still around! Sorry if you’ve texted me in the last couple years; my folks threatened to *insert violence* me after I came out and I got really paranoid and got rid of my old phone and number and shut down for a good year or so. I’m good enough now, though! How’ve you been?
No worries, sorry to hear about that with your ‘rents, but not surprised that was their reaction. I’ve been up and down and up and down; my dad unexpectedly died last year and since then I genuinely feel like I’ve been on a different plane of existence. Everything just sort of shifted and I feel like nothing has been right since. I should probably look into therapy or some shit for it, but I don’t have the energy to start. There has been good things I suppose, but I feel like it has all been overtaken by the grief in a way. Other than that I guess I’m just chugging along though.
jeez, dude. I’m sorry to hear about your dad. Unexpected stuff always makes it worse. I definitely know what you’re feeling with the “too tired” for therapy. You really gotta be emotionally ready to start that shit, but you also need it when you’re down the worst. Stupid cycle with nowhere to get on. I’m no good with grief, as I’ve just been lashing out 24/7 to “handle” mine. I hope better things start coming your way. You deserve them.
I thought that too. That my brain is wired to want to die. Still do sometimes. But I think thoughts are habits, patterns we fall into. It takes effort to train your mind into better patterns, but it can be done.