I’m sorry dad, I know you want me to try and fight my charges in court but I just won’t. I know you still haven’t given up on me even after all the shame I’ve brought to you and my brothers. I simply feel too tired to live right now. Things are only gonna get worse for me from here even if I do fight my case. It makes no difference to me whether it’s 6 months or 2 years, I just want the world to stop for a while. I’ve been falling behind for years now and FEAR has been the common denominator in all my past 8 years. Drinking may seem to be the root of my problem but it’s actually a chosen symptom of the real problem. Fear has held me back all these years and I’m tired of that. That’s why I won’t fight in court. That’s why I won’t go crazy in jail. A part of me feels like jail is necessary. There’s a reason people like me go to jail. I simply won’t learn my lesson the easy way. I’m someone who has to learn the hard way. I’m ready to face my consequences so don’t try to change how I feel about my fate. I’m the one who’s gonna do time NOT you! So please spare me the “there’s a chance” speech because I’m not in the mood to hope right now. My future lies in the judges’ hands now and I’m fine with that. I’m so sickened tired of worrying. I’m so sickened tired that I literally don’t have the energy to panic about jail anymore. The past 4 months were spent worrying and that has drained my energy and any trace of optimism I had left towards my life. I know my life isn’t over and I know I won’t be in there forever or even very long but I also know I want my world to slow down drastically even if it’s just for a few months. Many people think a year is a long time but to those people I simply have to say I envy you. I wish I could view 1 year in such a way but my life has been on fast-forward ever since I turned 17. It feels like just yesterday that I left my last class of English.
Anyway, I don’t think my father quite understands who I am anymore. I can’t be ambitious like him anymore. He pushed me too hard all my life with all his expectations of me and no matter how hard I tried I could never live up those expectations. This is why I hope he thinks I’m dead inside.