Hello there, friends. I just ran across this website tonight. At first I was shocked because it seemed to be promoting suicide, but then I read the rules and realized that wasn’t the case. However, I didn’t worry any less about the people on this site. I don’t know any of you but I’m guessing I know the feelings you’re feeling. Please take a look at what I have to say.
I’m going to make a few disclaimers before I start. First of all, if I accidentally say something that offends you, I apologize and recognize that your viewpoint exists. However, I don’t apologize for speaking my mind. I’ve done enough of that in my life. And I don’t apologize for saying what I perceive as the truth.
Second of all, I’m going to be talking about how spirituality and faith can save you as they saved me. I know the rules say “This is not a place to preach the gospel.” And if you don’t share my beliefs, I respect that, but I’m not going to refrain from teaching how God can save your soul, as the goal of this website is to find hope through despair, and He was my light in the darkness and I know he can be yours, too. I’m not begging for you to believe in him. I’m asking that you trust him and look out for him. Remove the cynical part of your brain that sends you down spirals. And yes, I know it isn’t that easy. Trust me. But it’s worth it. So if you feel the urge to click off of my post because you don’t want to read about God, I politely encourage you to challenge that in yourself and just hear me out.
Third of all, I’m willing to chat with any of you if you want someone to talk to. However, I can’t promise that I won’t separate myself from you if your depression starts to bring me back into depression. I had a friend who came to me at just the perfect time. She would listen to what I had to say. The problem was that the only things I had to say were negative, so eventually, she stopped wanting to be friends with me, and I thank her for it. I will try to help you even if I can’t stay your friend.
My Depression and School Life
The first time I tried to kill myself was when I was ten years old. I put a kitchen knife up to my chest and started shoving it against me until my brother came in and yelled at me to stop. In middle school I started going down negative spirals. I have always struggled with black-and-white mentality. I have Autism Spectrum Disorder, which can make people think all-or-nothing. When I started feeling symptoms of depression and was diagnosed with Anxiety Disorder, things just got worse.
I’ve changed a lot over the course of several years. I used to be something of a class clown, misbehaving so people would pay attention to me, but after they were done laughing at me (because they definitely weren’t laughing with me) they would go back to talking to their friends. I had some friends, but my relationships with them were complicated. I am grateful to have one who has been my friend for my whole life, even if we haven’t always been there for each other.
I would get bullied by kids who considered me inferior to them and I would sob. Then I would act out and get in trouble. I was suspended many times in elementary and middle school. In high school however, things were a little bit different.
I realized how foolish it was for me to misbehave, whether it was because of bullying or to attract attention. It only ever brought me anguish and repercussions. I felt better about my new change in character. I slid into shadows; wished to be ignored; spoke only when necessary. It took me excessively long to realize that wasn’t the way to go. I’m still recovering from that mentality. I find it difficult to speak up about my feelings and experiences.
In high school nothing good ever came out of hiding myself away. The only thing it ever did was make me envious, sheltered, melancholic, and furious towards my outward classmates. I was genuinely horrified that I would end up becoming a school shooter or performing a dramatic suicide at school. When it came to the thoughts about school shooting, I wasn’t actually nearly that close to snapping and committing mass homicide, but I saw a glimpse into the mind of someone who could commit a crime like that. I can still see that glimpse. It no longer lives in me, but it scares me. A tragedy can be caused by something so seemingly insignificant. Dozens of lives can be lost because depression can push a person to the edge.
During high school I started questioning my gender. If transgenderism does not align with your beliefs, I will not try to insist you support it. I know our brains are all wired in different ways and we won’t always believe the same things. Please keep that in mind as we continue.
It became such a startling mental focus that I couldn’t think about anything else. My grades slipped. My relationships slipped. My light got dimmer and dimmer. God was my solution, as He showed me it was okay and He had a plan for me to transition. I’ll delve into my relationship with God next.
My Saviour In My Most Desperate Hour
I was raised in a somewhat Christian family. My mother believed in God and talked about Him sometimes. My dad never seemed to pay any attention to religious matters. I used to find church services and praying boring, and I can’t blame myself. On paper, they seemed very boring. But as I got older I started experiencing what it meant to truly believe.
For a short period I stopped identifying as a Christian. I didn’t want to be associated with what media led me to believe about Christianity. I was angry with myself… I’m still not sure exactly why.
That summer, I went to a Christian summer camp in my province. I had been to two other sleepaway camps before, and one other Christian one. But nothing ever came close to the level of importance and inclusion I felt at this camp. On one sunny afternoon while we were sitting in the cabin, my cabin leader (who I am actually still friends with to this day) helped me accept Jesus into my heart. Everything didn’t get better all at once. Every problem I had didn’t magically disappear, and that wasn’t what I expected. But years later I can testify that it has helped me infinitely.
I think now might be a good idea to share my religious beliefs. Personally, I believe that almost any deity every civilization has discovered is a skewed perception of the same God. The finite details of that God I am not sure of, but I believe in the deepest corners of my heart that Jesus of Nazareth was a human incarnation of this God, hence I am a Christian. I view the Bible as a work heavily influenced by God with valuable theological lessons and divine interference. This does not mean I believe it is infallible to human error, but it has helped me to make a habit of reading it.
When I joined the Leader in Training program at the summer camp I previously mentioned I met dozens of people who treated me just like I was… normal. They didn’t leave me unnoticed like many others in my life. I learned how to love and how to be loved. The stark contrast of this wonderful camp in my life left me bewildered. Why? How could this happen to me when all I’ve done is mope, yell, cry, and hate?
On the second week of training there came a night called staff worship. Not having grown up in a household that regularly attended church, it was a familiar but novel experience. I stood surrounded by my friends watching the sunset and listening to music about God. When the music started playing, the wind started blowing, and it sent a sensation I couldn’t quite describe as a shiver, but rather a tingle, down my spine. Goosebumps stood the hair on my arms up. The overall sensation was something I have never felt before and never felt again, though I have come very close since. As I stared at the sky, I noticed a familiar pattern of colours sitting vertically in the sky. Blue. Pink. White. Pink again. Blue again. The colours of the transgender flag.
After that, the questioning stopped. The confusing feelings of what I wanted stopped. Over the next few months, I started becoming a better person. I would do kind things for people or for the world when nobody was watching. I let people know when I appreciated them and apologized when I was at fault. My internet habits became far less vulgar: I stopped engaging in content regarding sex, hatred, or other destructive tendencies. The friend I mentioned earlier who I negatively vented to all the time came at the perfect time too, as she helped form me into who I was meant to be.
My Thanksgiving and Thoughts
I struggle heavily from gender dysphoria and it affects almost every facet of my life. It took me a while to realize that if I had been born the way I wish I had, I wouldn’t have gone through that period of advancing myself morally and growing faith in God. I no longer think God made a mistake when He made me. Everything was intentional. I just had to follow His plan in order for it to come true.
I made a habit out of praying nightly. I prayed for my friends, for my opposers, for my family, and for strangers. I thanked God for His mercy, trust, and boundless kindness. I apologized for my transgressions and sins, and He comforted me. It took a long time, but over time, I was able to look at a building without automatically wondering if a fall from it would be enough to kill me.
Many Christian clichés, such as “Everything happens for a reason”, “Jesus saved my soul”, and “God will not give you more than you can handle” are often pointed at and laughed at by doubters. I also believe they are faulty, but not for the reasons you’d think. It seems to me that those clichés are technically true, but don’t even begin to express the complete truth. For those of you struggling from depression, oppression, or destruction who are hateful to God (a.k.a. misotheistic), I urge you to read the book of Job. It’s one of the oldest books of the Bible and addresses the question of “Why would a good God allow bad things to happen?” It’s a very deep and long piece of poetry. One of my favourite quotes from it is “God thunders wondrously with his voice; he does great things that we cannot comprehend.” (Job 37:5 NRSV) Sound familiar?
The power of Satan is strong, and the power of the free will of humanity is immense, but it’s far surpassed only by the power of God. He has a plan for each and every one of us and it is our decision to search that plan and follow it to the best of our ability or to ignore it and seek impossible earthly treasures. The only thing I can advise people to do is to trust God with their whole heart instead of doubting Him. He loves us all and He will always love us no less no matter how much we hate Him. The closer we grow to Him, the closer we grow to the gates of heaven. “Enter through the narrow gate; for the gate is wide and the road is easy that leads to destruction, and there are many who take it. For the gate is narrow and the road is hard that leads to life, and there are few who find it.” (Matthew 7:13-14 NRSV) We all have a long way to go to the end of the narrow path, but we can make it.
https://www.youtube.com/c/UsefulCharts (this Youtuber, Matt Baker, isn’t as much of a theological YouTuber as he is a historical YouTuber. I recommend getting into his videos if you want to learn about the origins behind biblical stories as well as the stories themselves.)