sadness

I am so tired of being sad and tired. I do not want to be alive anymore, but I am stuck in this place of fear and guilt. i am scared to give up, as I worry about my grandparents and family’s reactions. I do not care about myself much anymore. I act like I do, but every act feels forced and I am exhausted. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. I do not have any plans to commit, but I do wonder sometimes. I just want this pain to end. To live is to suffer, and the only way to end my suffering is to not exist. I am exhausted so so so exhausted and no one understands. Its been this way for years, and despite exterior things getting better, I still have a huge hole of sadness in my soul. It is who I am to the core. I want to just give up and become one with the darkness that is trying to take me over. I need help, I want help, but I am scared to accept help. Everything feels forced.