hope or realism? either way seems I’m screwed

It seems I might just accidentally my way into grad school. Didn’t know that was how it worked, but the school is putting in most of the effort. If I don’t get it, I’m supremely okay with that, or at least so I tell myself. I’ll probably feel devalued and betrayed, that’s the usual thing when I tell myself I don’t care.

I’m trying not to care.

Then I had a promising interview with a job….. and my knee jerk reaction is to think about how great things would be if I got it….. Yet again, caring hurts. I’m trying to insulate myself out; organizing my closet, playing video games, tending to the house and dogs.

I just hate this superstitious feeling I get, when things are beyond my control, and I don’t know what to do. It seems like anything I might do would make them more likely to reject me. Even writing this, in an anonymous forum, having given no details that could be traced back to me (other than IP address, but fishing for IP addresses is well beyond most of the people I work for.)

I want to be ready for nothingness, for another six months of every project I start that relies on someone else going belly up. Other people are… problematic for me. I know my own capabilities, and I promise only what I can deliver. Other people don’t work like that. Regular people are quite satisfied to be utterly inept, and very poor at communicating it.

Granted, at least some of that ineptness can be credited to other people that they work with. I doubt I’m alone in finding most of our species…. frustrating, seems like the least awful word here.  Like, I don’t think I’m an ego maniac. I’m no prize whatsoever. I think telling people realistic expectations is something that all humans are capable of, and therefor should deliver.

there’s that should word again… getting me into trouble.  It bugs me that the entire human world is filled with people doing the best they can. How can that possibly be? Are the standards of competence that low? appears so.

again, not that I’m better than them, apart from in my own value system where honest and correct communication are valued over promising more than I can deliver. One of these days I keep thinking I’ll get used to it, learn to lie to people and say sure I can do more…. then what? not deliver? I don’t see how that leads to an outcome I can live with….

About an hour after writing this, it occurs to me that I am entirely physically capable of solving my problems, particularly in outlook. I could start working out again, lots of happy brain chemicals there…

but no. I had myself in peak physical and mental condition, and it didn’t solve things. It’s my view that it made things worse. Down here, near my limit, the fall doesn’t hurt nearly as bad. Further, I can with complete honesty and sincerity say; “I can’t do that, it would create a choice between your project and my health, and my health always wins those competitions.”

It still bugs me, probably that same superstitious magical thinking…. the road not traveled. Within the wide scope of my abilities, I could make it happen…. but I’m just not that good of a salesman anymore.  All I want is to cash out, sell the house in the city and find a bit of land and homestead it. But there’s always more money…. and as anti materialist as I make myself out…. I could use some more money.

Today I found myself looking at $300 coats…. and at the same time thinking, who am I kidding? I’ve had $300 shoes on my wishlist for three years…. not getting any closer. Same goes for a new computer. That’s something that bugs me; if I go back to school, I could get a new computer, and that would be just about the best thing I could get myself.