I remember when i did acid with them i was on the phone with someone i liked and i cared so much about that person more than the person i was with that when they said something rude to them i acted out of violence and i don’t think i could ever forgive myself for that. Even if i was on fucking drugs i put a piece of shit first. It caused a bad trip for me too because i realized what i did immediately after i did it and instead of being truthful i lied to protect myself. i told them idk why it just happened but i know exactly why it happened and to this day they still don’t know and i’ll never tell them because that’ll ruin our relationship more than anything else. We don’t even really have a good relationship as it is too which is funny. At times i can’t even stand being around them and i feel like they use me for the most random shit. One of our mutual friends came over and i needed to talk to them about important stuff, the other person asked if they could also come over but what they didn’t say is they just wanted to smoke with that person. They wanted to be in their presence not mine. They used me to hang out with them. Because i 100% believe if they didn’t know she was coming over they wouldn’t have asked if they could as well. It’s so stupid to me that i let it bother me but if you don’t want to hang out with me for me why bother coming over. If you want my friend go hang out with them on your own time. I wasn’t even able to talk to my friend and that whole thing made everything worse and god i just wish i could talk about it but i can’t i just have to hold it in and tell strangers who 9/10 won’t even fucking read this. What’s funny to me is i have more hatred for them than i do love. Don’t get me wrong i love them so much but they do so much shit that pisses me off. It’s like i care and have love for them as a person but i also hate the kind of person they are. I can never make up my mind on how i feel about them but when they’re not in my life it feels like okay maybe i don’t entirely hate them but when they come around it’s like fuck man i realize everything that made me hate you and idk how not too. I wish i didn’t hate them but every single thing they do pisses me off. They use people for their own benefit. It’s so easy to acknowledge it too because all i do is pay attention and observe.
