Still Here Even Though I Don’t Want To Be

Can i just dive deep into why life is just so damn miserable. I have survived alot of sh**. I beat homelessness. I found housing. Then the car break downs. Then im a worthless a deadbeat father. Im a criminal that cant get things right. I guess I deserve all the hell. I didn’t quit pot when my life depends on it. I’m a true failure. I wanted to hide behind things that only worsen your life. Im more than likely going to disappoint my father in the worse ways, costing him money i cant replace. I can’t be there for people I am suppose to love. The mother of my kids, hit me with Domestic because i couldn’t help her. Now, I’m facing prison time, all 9 yards. I wish I had good news for being apart of this website the past years. Only more Hell is on its way, anybody awaiting trial, sure does feel like purgatory. Like everything is okay, but its really not. A dream situation but you’re really living a nightmare. Its surreal

The fact i can’t save the people i love and they can’t save me, and im only hurting them. I can’t live with guilt that I feel like all i do is hurt the people I love and i can’t help or save them. I can’t be there the way I should. The mother is so toxic. Yeah, send the dad to prison. Send me to jail. If thats my punishment for trying to help your psychotic narcissistic a$$. I only wanted to get you off the streets before its winter since (long story short) she cant live with me.

So im probably going back to jail, owing a s*** ton of money. Dragged my father into this mess, where he can easily give up on me. I never asked to be saved. I know, if im to be punished, i have to live with it. Worse comes worse, back to the streets, all the hard work of trying to fight for my mental health and a good mindset. Just so much progress gone. No money to fight. No independence.

I can’t put into words, when you been fighting your whole life just to survive, just to eat s*** and die, and be branded as a felon. Makes you the lowest class, like welfare is better than you. Anybody f****** breathing is doing better than you as long as they’re not dying. This a new low for me. Being in jail is lower than homelessness. Your freedom isn’t worth confinement. Only way jail worth anything, is to beat death. Thats it. The only time, its worth anything. Being locked up with all of other society’s rejects, its awful. I can suck it up. I can be a man and fight if have to. The question who tf wants to go through all this, when there will only be more hell to pay. My life is f******. Word of advice, dont let any girl ruin your life! They are predatory. They will take all your time, love and money, then destroy you. Choosing the wrong person in life is equivalent of a living hell and has destroyed my life. Im a f****** fool for caring.
I’ll be here for awhile but if, I really have to live like this and I can’t beat this f***** up system let alone being a sophisticated member of society. Everything is sealed with my death certificate.