when judy garland was a child put on a stage at age 6 and soon after in front of tv & movie cameras, they started pumping her with amphetamines so she’d stay peppy through the work day, then barbs & benzos to wind her down at night so she could get her sleep before the next round. uppers, happy, work… downers, quiet, sleep. Repeat god knows how many thousands of times before surprise look who’s addicted to uppers & downers, pills & booze, look whose life is reduced to chemicals. burnt out and buried at age 47
who else knows that feeling? even if its prescription meds, OTC stimulants & sleep aids, coffee & chamomille tea, who knows that feeling that your entire existence is based on the prodding & poking of chemicals. i sure as hell do. i couldnt tell you the last time i had a natural sleep that lasts thru the night without some sort of pill. i couldnt tell you the last time i got out of bed on my own free will without a bucket of black black coffee to wind up my insides.
as an experiment i tried going 24 hrs without any pills, meds or mood enhancers/stabilizers and guess what happened. 24 hours of suicidal agony. obsessing over the softest cloth to hang myself with, or should i do it violent & messy, idk because i dont have any chemicals telling me which way to go.
im back on the diet today. uppers now, downers later. if im lucky i wont have to wait til im 47. just burn me out and bury me already. this is not a reason to exist
4 comments
wishing you warm smiles :} hope you feel a little better
thanks for that, i appreciate it
I feel like that sometimes…. though I admit my uppers aren’t anywhere near as dangerous as my downers. Coffee, nicotine, anti depressants…. all relatively non toxic
meanwhile the stuff I take to sleep, it’s harder stuff. I still don’t have any narcotics, the policy of the clinic I go to is to never prescribe them. Life expectancy-wise, I don’t know if it will matter. I’m only the second generation of my family not drinking myself to death
so it’s harm reduction. Minus the drugs, I’d be really suicidal. Anything that buys me more time is…. necessary I guess. I could go now, even relatively non suicidal as I am. Point is there’s nothing to stick around for… just stupid stuff, into which I lump my family’s requiring me to stay alive, and my shows and movies. It’s all petty and relatively worthless, but then so am I.
harm reduction is exactly what it feels like. harm reduction with things that are slightly less harmful. you wonder how much time we’re buying?
congrats on avoiding alcoholism, i think that’s the real trigger that causes everything else to spin out of control. i havent had a drink in a while but i’m not going to say i’m sober or recovered because that itself might cause a relapse.
i’m the same as you with safe uppers vs dangerous downers. coffee & caffeine pills usually do the trick, but to bring me down i’m needing harder stuff. currently using a cocktail of benzos, anticonvulsants topped off with otc benadryl, acetaminophen, ibuprofen and every herbal sleepy tea on the shelf. if i could get my hands on stronger stuff i absolutely would… nighttime is when suicidal thoughts are the loudest. i’m sure this chemical sleep routine is just building more bad stuff inside, sooner or later the dam is gunna break