When is it enough

Watching others this time of year, wondering if what they’re showing the world is just a mask like mine or are they truly as happy as they appear? I’m tired of trying, I’ve been trying for forty some years, when can it be enough? When can I close my eyes one last time and feel relief for those remaining conscious moments? I fulfilled my role as daughter, wife and mother, everything is in its place. Even to feel nothing rather than this unrelenting sadness, not knowing why, only that it’s a part of me, intertwined to deeply. I don’t want to keep going thru the motions of just existing. I can’t keep up the facade, it’s becoming to heavy.