I’m Still Here

I’m still here. I don’t know why, but I’m still here. I often joked to myself that I wouldn’t last a month in graduate school. So far, I’m still here. Still have plenty of time to fail. Today I decided to do something stupid and not do any coursework today. No reading, no prepping for the essay due next Sunday, no nothing. Just do nothing. To be honest, there have been many days lately where I hardly did anything, so this isn’t much of a stretch. Doing nothing has me stressed, ironically. I’m always thinking something’s coming. Something that will get me. Some sort of karma. Something that will put me down and in my place. Sad and afraid. Last thing I want to talk about is that there’s this hill. I walk about a mile to and from school when I go and on my way there there’s this small hill. Takes less than a minute to walk up it. Not super steep. Just a hill. And I always think, this is exactly how it feels doing all this. Going up a hill. A hard pain that makes the journey worse. When coming back from school I notice easy it is to go down that hill back to my apartment. Like how it would be easy to just quit and run away from it. Just something I noticed.