I don’t know if I’ve ever given as far into medications as I have this past year. Like borderline abusing medications, getting as medicated as I could so I didn’t have to feel. I’m not even sorry about any of that. I think that was the right move.
Lately though, the cost is getting to me. For one no sex drive, and I’m married to someone I love, I have things I could do if I had a sex drive. The other thing is that my energy level is constantly low right now. I thought I was just unmotivated, but I just feel tired all the time, and I’m on a fair amount of medications with sedative effects.
This is where I’m conflicted. As the Ramones song goes, I wanna be sedated…..
but there’s stuff I want to do. I have so many projects that the energy just isn’t there.
I’m very good at convincing myself of stuff, so if I really wanted to convince myself this was the right move, I would…
Which is what scares me. I could lose control again, and that’s terrifying. I was violently suicidal before this last dosage adjustment. I felt a compulsion to die…. and it was nice…
I’m scared that I’ll pull back the veil and that demon will just be sitting there, just as potent and powerful as it was nine months ago.
I’ve only gotten completely sober once, in my late teens. Since then…. I guess I believed in the bargain with the devil that is medicated life. Side effects, but you can endure a massive amount of abuse, a massive amount. The problem is the same as with any other chemical dependency, diminishing returns. The only way the drugs can keep me safe at this point is by keeping me tired, and it’s possible I’ll lose that one too.
I get back to what I want most. I want to be clear headed enough to plot a path out of this dead end life. I want out of this state, and sufficiently out of debt that no one can come after me. Most of all, I don’t want to need anyone anymore, it hurts too much.
I can’t detach, not seeing a doctor four times a year and a therapist 26 times. I’ll have to live in a population center where if I don’t get the care I need I become a danger to others.
I’m also curious as to who I would be, not intoxicated, not altered.
Open to any feedback, argue against, argue for, whatever
6 comments
This hit me hard. I hate how depression happens and its a silent killer. But inside of us its torturing and breaking us down no matter what we do. Man these meds suck. I hope you find something that works for you. Something that makes you feel okay without the side effects. But we both know there is no such thing. So What I truly hope for you is that you find a med that works and hass less side effects. So you can love your wife, and take care of business with less fatigue. Last thing you need is a divorce from the woman you love. Do me a favor, if you can, ward yourself while you are changing meds. That way there will be people there to handle any crisis and you wont have anything to hurt ourself with. I think it is important to make sure you are safe during this transition. I support you changing meds. But I feel you, once you’ve been violently suicidal Red Hot Hilli Peppers always sings in your ears,
“I don’t ever wanna feel
Like I did that day”.
-So One thing you can do is make sure you post daily on here about how you feel.
-Another thing is making sure you talk to your therapist often. BE HONEST. The worst thing they can do is ward you. And if that saves your life take it!
-And finally Keep with you at all times a picture of your wife and the reasons to live. That may help at least once. If you get bad enough you feel like people should be okay with you dying. BUT TRUST ME! They will NOT be.
I hope this finds you well. And I know I talk too much haha. But I just want to make sure you are okay. I hope things get better for you man.
Tough call. I’m usually in favor of sobriety, but in the last few years I’ve seen sides of myself and others that makes me realize that some cases call for heavy sedation.
I would say it all comes down to your wife, the person closest to you. Can she talk you down from a crisis? If the answer is yes then things are looking good for a trial run at sobriety. But if the answer is no, whether it’s because she’s not commanding enough, or whether it’s because you’re too uncontrollable, then I would advise against dumping your meds until you can find that person.
I’m lucky that during my most volatile period I was dating someone who knew exactly how to talk me down. Many times she was the difference between life and a suicidal rampage. She’s no longer in my life, so these days I rely on pills to play that role of talking me down.
Of course the problem is like you said, you can’t remain sedated 24/7 for the rest of your life. And even if you could, you’d be trapping yourself for lack of a future. I think the key for anyone in this situation is to find the right people or drugs to serve as crisis support. Don’t lean on them all the time but when you feel things start to spiral, have an emergency plan in place.
“I’m on a fair amount of medications with sedative effects.”
So you’re afraid of turning into an uncontrollable monster if you weren’t sedated enough into NOT doing things?
like what kind of things? other than thinking you’ll actually go through with suic ide.
For me, when I’m fatigued af, which is 95% of the time, all I can think about is suicide but too tired to do it.
When I do have more energy to go do it, I feel just “well enough” to NOT want to do it though.
I can’t speak for heartlessviking but in my experience it was suicidal mania, being obsessively suicidal AND highly motivated. Especially with violent means, knives, power tools, machinery …things that had a low success rate but high damage rate, almost like suicide wasn’t the objective as much as blood was.
But when sedated it’s more like that safe zone you mentioned, where you may be suicidal but you lack the energy. If we’re talking suicide prevention (which I don’t really believe in) I think a lot of impulsive manic suicides could be avoided if we had access to sedatives on an as-needed basis. But I guess that would lead to drug abuse (like it did with me).
most of the time I’ve been suicidal, it’s like being at a bar and wanting another drink. I know how to say no, and fighting it is simple as getting up and changing focus.
Sublime suicidality (my term), is like already being impaired, ready to get black out drunk. The slide is near impossible to resist. I’ll remember that moment for a long time, I was listening to one of my then bosses long drawn out pointless stories. I saw the means, and in that moment it felt as essential as breathing.
The only thing that saved me that day was how shy I am. Dying is an intensely personal activity. I’m not inviting anyone to that party. So I started driving, trying to find somewhere quiet where I could have a few hours to myself. During that drive, reflex kicked in and I called the hotline. After a few minutes with their help I talked myself into driving home and waiting.
Since then, I haven’t come close to having the energy for it. Further, lately I don’t even have the energy to get that upset. Did you know that’s why anti depressants have the suicide warning? The energy comes first, and if you’re still suicidal when it hits, watch out.
————
I’ve been thinking a lot about how I got my wish, in a way. In my moment of most pain all I wanted was to be rid of the ambition, the desire to have more than I do. It was killing me (literally). I told my doctor AND I told my therapist that exact thing….
and that is what these drugs are, poison to ambition. Barely having the energy, it becomes a constant game of budgetary risk calculation. If you don’t need something, it is so very easy not to want it. Why bother?
What changed is that I got projects I really want to work on. For one I’m building my next desktop, and I really want to see what it looks like put together. There flat isn’t energy for it. I blew through two months of saved up energy in the first day, and it will be at least another two days of work.
I got my bike back out and went for a ride…. and it was wonderful. It was a dismal day, no one else on the trail, I could be alone with my thoughts. The wind in my hair, watching the landscape while being removed from it…. that’s so lovely.
Final thing, I’m a little amped right now so forgive me (isn’t that amazing? we just say “forgive me” and most people are cooperative enough to oblige.) I found a place in the country I could very easily afford. Further, it was less than 15 minutes from a ski resort, a dream I never thought would be within reach.
all I really want is to be a ski bum. Maybe get a job working the lift or giving lessons, whatever it takes to have four hours a day to myself, just me and the mountain. That’s my nirvana. I’d work more during the months it isn’t ski season, but ski season would be a nice little semi retirement.
I realized that my back and knees are in no shape to ski. Further, a year out is really quite close, I might be able to afford a trip by ski season next year. If I want that, I’ve got to start now.