I don’t know if I’ve ever given as far into medications as I have this past year. Like borderline abusing medications, getting as medicated as I could so I didn’t have to feel. I’m not even sorry about any of that. I think that was the right move.
Lately though, the cost is getting to me. For one no sex drive, and I’m married to someone I love, I have things I could do if I had a sex drive. The other thing is that my energy level is constantly low right now. I thought I was just unmotivated, but I just feel tired all the time, and I’m on a fair amount of medications with sedative effects.
This is where I’m conflicted. As the Ramones song goes, I wanna be sedated…..
but there’s stuff I want to do. I have so many projects that the energy just isn’t there.
I’m very good at convincing myself of stuff, so if I really wanted to convince myself this was the right move, I would…
Which is what scares me. I could lose control again, and that’s terrifying. I was violently suicidal before this last dosage adjustment. I felt a compulsion to die…. and it was nice…
I’m scared that I’ll pull back the veil and that demon will just be sitting there, just as potent and powerful as it was nine months ago.
I’ve only gotten completely sober once, in my late teens. Since then…. I guess I believed in the bargain with the devil that is medicated life. Side effects, but you can endure a massive amount of abuse, a massive amount. The problem is the same as with any other chemical dependency, diminishing returns. The only way the drugs can keep me safe at this point is by keeping me tired, and it’s possible I’ll lose that one too.
I get back to what I want most. I want to be clear headed enough to plot a path out of this dead end life. I want out of this state, and sufficiently out of debt that no one can come after me. Most of all, I don’t want to need anyone anymore, it hurts too much.
I can’t detach, not seeing a doctor four times a year and a therapist 26 times. I’ll have to live in a population center where if I don’t get the care I need I become a danger to others.
I’m also curious as to who I would be, not intoxicated, not altered.
Open to any feedback, argue against, argue for, whatever