already dead

Apart from what consumption I manage, I feel as though I’m already dead. Dead minus the expensive parts; coffins, funerals, etc all are unnecessarily expensive and thus some days it’s just my frugality keeping me from snuffing it.

So I’m nominally alive, that is to say in medical terms, but not in any meaningful philosophic way.

I have some money, I don’t have anything I want to spend it on. Meanwhile there are things I want, but they are so out of my price range…. like where am I going to get $10k, the low end for unoccupied undeveloped land. What I want most right now is hovering around $300k. A piece of land + some workshop space + some sort of living quarters. Even if I sold everything that “belongs” to me, I could only raise a third, and I certainly couldn’t qualify for that mortgage considering I can’t even qualify to refinance my own.

I have video games, good games as far as I can tell, but I just can’t get the desire running to chase them.

Same goes for books

I have at least 3 dozen books that I sincerely want to read…. but to what purpose? what would it do for me?

Same goes for projects. I have stuff to work on, it just feels like too much work.

So I sit, staring at the walls, wishing life wasn’t so pointless, that living wasn’t such an imposition

They Might Be Giants summed it up perfectly in Dead;

“Now it’s over I’m dead and I haven’t done anything that I want,

or I’m still alive and there’s nothing I want to do.”

I’m isolated and insolated from any real challenge, any real stimulation…. so I inhabit a prison of my own creation, a prison created to protect me from pain.