at the same time as it is the problem, it’s the only solution I have, avoiding life that is. Like when I talk to the suicide hotline… or a therapist… it all comes down to how well am I avoiding triggers, which now most of life is filled with.
It’s Monday, it’s supposed to be my productive day, and I just can’t engage with almost anything. I want to, but I don’t know how to make that happen. I had an image waking up today; an ostrich with it’s head buried in the sand. That’s me. Looks pretty stupid.
Thus far I filled out some forms…. but then I talked to my dad and he was like “during your downtime”…. during my downtime? It’s selfcare and work, wash rinse repeat. My supposed downtime is me trying to patch myself up sufficient to do the basic requirements of my life. I did more, when I was capable.
I hate dealing with the whole learned helplessness in myself, for one because I do know I am capable of much more when I focus on what I can do than what I can’t.
It doesn’t even hurt that bad, in relative terms I’d say I’m doing well.
I wish I could engage with my life, take on the challenges available…. instead of feeling tired and burnt out even trying to think about it.
I’ve been playing Sons of the Forest, and that’s been great for getting my head out of my life…. is it healthy though?
Maybe it’s better to have your head stuck in the sand….. compared to witnessing the carnage of our daily reality.
Returning to the Steven King/Horror quote that has become my life motto; “Sometimes dead is better”
6 comments
“Maybe it’s better to have your head stuck in the sand….. compared to witnessing the carnage of our daily reality.”
–>It most certainly is! Ignorance is indeed bliss. If I could be ignorant and willfully stupid but happy, I would trade for it in a heartbeat. When your eyes are open to all the systemic corruption and everything going on, you see the lies and propaganda, from cov to Ukraine to everything- it’s fucking depressing. The truth is depressing.
I want to be like the rest of the sheeple- blissfully ignorant to the carnage so I can just think of myself and “be happy.”
Well fuck it, maybe the start of my doom WAS switching from bio to econ major decades ago.
I used to be Pollyanna-ish, believed the best in people, was so naive. Then I switched to econ and slowly I began to see the truth. Then I graduated and started working- in DC no less- and I saw the truth. The truth is ugly and depressing, and there’s no way to “unsee” a truth and go back to being blissfully ignorant. Sigh. I just *had* to choose fucking econ and finance. I’ve been utterly depressed ever since. -_-
Yeah, sometimes I wonder what my life would have become if I had gone the Econ route, but the reality is that so much of economics was what I was already rebelling against. Every time I took a class in business I got seriously depressed. I finally fixed my GPA by finding a decent macro econ teacher, and after that I had no more hunger for that world.
I was a psych major, which does in the end come down to economics. You can have all the theories and methods out there, but if there isn’t funding for it (and there isn’t)….. you’re spitting into the wind.
One thing I’ll credit psych for, and that’s teaching me to achieve altered states of mind using simple visualization and meditation. It’s a crock most of the time it is advertised, but I would never have learned to dissociate without meditation. which I suppose means it’s keeping me alive… for better or worse.
I guess the implicit hope is that if I stay alive long enough, I’ll get to confront the monsters I already know are there. I definitely know the “can’t unsee” problem, and thankfully most of it is on a local level. I don’t think I could ever work in DC, I’ve seen too much of how federal funds are distributed to think there would be any hope there.
Dropping out seems like a better and better option. I learned some new vegetable farming stuff today, and I found a new decent location that might meet my needs. Right now, where I live, we’re in the last month of pleasant before it gets hot and awful. There are places though that are like this all summer….. I can’t help but think I’d feel better if I didn’t have to work so hard to keep my body temp down.
“Yeah, sometimes I wonder what my life would have become if I had gone the Econ route”
–>That’s easy. You would’ve become jaded, angry and bitter like me. -_-
heh, i had thought about becoming a psych major, until i saw the stats that having a psych DEGREE actually gets you paid LESS than if you had NO DEGREE at all lol. .I was like ok…forget psych then.
People in psych get paid diddly squat, unless you peddle drugs for the Pharmaceutical Industrial Complex
“I wish I could engage with my life, take on the challenges available…. instead of feeling tired and burnt out even trying to think about it.”
->That is me, burnt out with life. Hell, I was burnt out by 25 -_- Now at my age…I just dont have the energy for anything anymore. Everything feels so futile.