after years of toxic positivity, I find myself in need of discouragement talks every now and then.
This morning the temptation was rising to go back to electrical work, which on the surface seems innocent. I thought about how I enjoyed solving those problems, and getting the appropriate tools. I thought to myself “maybe it was just that employer”
but my gut knows better. My gut reminded me of how much pain it was, working for incompetent people. It reminded me of the hours doing stupid stuff, like running metal pipes for wire to go through. It reminded me how I always felt tired and I couldn’t keep up. It reminded me how that job made me suicidal like no other.
and I feel guilty about it. I feel broken admitting defeat there. I can’t waste energy, I have so little right now…. it’s a dark place I find myself.