At the End

It’s been about four months since my last post and things are even worse now.  The popular notion that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem is untrue.  There is nothing temporary about my condition.  I don’t see how things will ever change or improve.  My mother, who was my only immediate family in this state recently moved to another state to enter an independent living facility.  I have very few friends.  The lonliness and isolation is unbearable.  There seems to be no purpose in my life.  Unlike many here, I do believe in God and Jesus Christ yet I’m at the end of my rope.  My faith has kept me here for 58 years but I’ve had more than enough.  Every day is a major struggle.  One person described living with clinical depression as trying to climb Mount Everest with a pair of chopsticks.  I can relate to this description.  My beloved pets have also kept me hanging on until now, but even they aren’t enough reason to continue fighting any longer.  Yes, in a way suicide is selfish but what is one to do when you simply can’t tolerate living anymore?  I’ve been on psychotropic medication for decades and have been in and out of therapy.  Obviously, it doesn’t change your situation or circumstances.  I can’t begin to describe how mentally and emotionally exhausted I am.  I pray and beg God daily to let me die a natural death but I’m quickly running out of time.