I was wrong. My seven year anniversary was yesterday. Oh well. I have been having a hard time not crying lately. I don’t know what it is I just feel like crying. I thought for a moment today “why am I so hard on myself. Can’t I give myself some credit” My immediate thought was no, because I am genuinely the worst. I am worthless. I don’t put in the proper effort. I just want things handed to me. I’m no good. No matter how I look at it I don’t deserve to exist. That is my honest feelings. Eventually you can only have so much self hatred before you just fall apart and die. I feel like I have no hope. I feel like things aren’t going to get better. I guess no amount of medication will change that. I don’t know. I just feel so out of place. You know what’s sad. Whenever I post here, I genuinely hope for people to comment. To see my pain and recognize it. I guess I don’t really comment on other people’s posts, so what right do I have to complain? I’ve been just dumping out my head for the past few sentences. I think this is good enough. I wonder if in a few years I’m somewhere else and I come back to this post to try and see where I was at at the time. I do that. Go back and look at old posts. Just to try and remember. Does anyone else do that for their posts? I think I’ll go ahead and call it hear. Hope life works out for the rest of you. I know it isn’t for me.
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I understand the self hatred, to the point it becomes self loathing… it’s a really shitty cycle. I feel the same way the majority of the time, having no hope for change and feeling out of place as if you don’t belong. I hope you find some peace, and I really hope things become better for you soon. You sound like a decent person, and you deserve good things in life. Wishing you the best.
Sorry if none of this makes any sense or comes off wrong, I don’t usually reply to anything because I don’t want to fuck up and say something stupid, but wanted to say something here.
Don’t be sorry. I appreciate your words. I hope you find peace as well.
I see your pain and I recognize it. Funnily you posted right after me and even crazier, I just quit playing a game tonight, that I invested 7 years in. The last thing, keeping me there was the community, but as usual, people let me down.
I really think, that there isn’t a single person on here, that feels like they belong, it’s kind of our go-to place, to take a big relieving sigh. There’s rarely any judgement placed upon us and I appreciate that. It’s more natural to me, to be skeptical of your own self. Maybe we weren’t loved enough, or maybe we gave our love away, to not having the ability to see our accomplishments.
To me, taking a shower is an accomplishment, to many it’s just the normal cog in their everyday machine. We won’t be curing cancer, we need to look at the little things too.
Maybe I can offer something: Survival, is something you did by yourself. Everyday people…well, they just live.
-from another weeping willow lately (maybe it’s the season of tears and doubts)
Thank you. I really appreciate it. I saw your post by the way. I thought it was nice. Alot of it relateable. I hope life starts treating you well.
That’s sweet of you, thanks! 🙂
I am weepy too…. started last night so I smashed some whiskey to sleep, but then I woke up at 7am… crying. I know from experience if you wake up crying, you’re done for the day so I’ve written it off.