I’ve been going to therapy for nearly 30 years at this point, long enough that I’ve done therapy with every modality and philosophical bent. One particular therapist had a pillow on his couch that said; “if it’s not one thing, it’s your mother.” I don’t remember him being particularly Freudian in any other way, so it might have been a joke.
That joke being that in Freudian therapy, it almost always comes back to the mother for young men. I remember when I was covering it in college and I found out that part of why Freud is less taken seriously now is that his approach worked for early 20th century people in the upper middle class. That’s where ALL of his data was from.
But my mom…. guys, gals, I love the woman but talking to her I realize more and more how most of my problems incubated in her while I was growing up. She’s trying really hard to be supportive, but she won’t work on herself…. at least not yet. That’s part of the guilt, I’m supposed to pull my stuff together then she can work on herself….. and it hasn’t happened yet, it may never happen, and that’s a lot of pressure.
She works at this job that just…. invades her life. One of her coworkers got in trouble for mentioning that maybe minorities have a harder time of it. She said she’s not allowed to say anything that makes her employer look bad, ever. Like, she is so totally owned by that right wing crazy org….. and her self esteem is so low she just keeps at it.
Is it any wonder I have employer issues? I tried to make it work with similar employers, and it was in that way I hit a wall. I can’t devote my life to the org I work for. I can barely care enough to devote 32 hours a week to it.
And you know what? You can’t save everybody. My therapist made that point, and I was all “sure, yeah” but you should be able to save SOMEBODY, right?! But some people are just into being abused, into letting their employer own them.. I guess it’s a generational thing.
Like, I don’t want to kink shame, but use a safe word for pity sake. One is supposed to be able to say enough is enough, right? It’s not just supposed to be endless abuse, or am I missing some essential masochism required for capitalism (hey that rolls off the tongue, there’s a song there.)
And she’s just…. toxic positivity. A cousin of mine has dropped off the radar, there’s a pretty good chance she’s dead, just based on her economic situation. But the whole death denial is so strong in my mom, she spun an alternate narrative where my cousin just doesn’t remember us…. and I was overwhelmed by it, how do you live a life where you assume anything ever goes to plan, or where vulnerable people aren’t dead?
Willful ignorance, she doesn’t want to know, she doesn’t want out. This whole system works for her, I just don’t know how to tell her it doesn’t work for me.
6 comments
I don’t know anything about Freud except that he’s generally considered a joke, but I admit there’s some truth to the mommy issues/daddy issues thing he’s famous for. Doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that bad parenting is the overwhelming cause of psychological issues.
complicating matters is that most mothers of the boomer/x generations have serious issues themselves. They were likely in subservient marriages (financially subordinate to say the least) which, in weaker individuals, leads to them taking their frustrations out on those below them, i.e. children. So there’s my neo-freudian-psychobabblic explanation why the latter x and millennial generations are fucked: shitty mothers caused by systemic oppression of women in society.
well who am i kidding, it’s not an exclusively x/millennial problem, it has existed since the dawn of time.
women have always been systemic oppressed and suppressed since the dawn of “modern civilization.” Maybe the problem are mothers, or…maybe the problem is society itself and men who are oppressing the mothers.
yup that’s my point. The human family unit is inherently dysfunctional. Men abuse their wives who then abuse their children… who develop issues and in their own time abuse their own children. It’s a weird pecking order thing combined with that wonderful cycle of abuse. The end result is a species that’s totally fucked.
Animals don’t seem to have this problem because their roles in the family unit are clearly defined and voluntary. You don’t have daddy lion coming home and slapping mommy lion because she didn’t wash his underwear. And you don’t have mommy lion turning around, slapping baby lion and saying ‘this is your fault for being born’.
meant to say: The human family unit is inherently dysfunctional under a patriarchal society.
“This whole system works for her”
–>I doubt the system works for her. She isn’t allowed “to say anything that makes her employer mad.” She also isn’t allowed to say anything against the modern American society either. As I female, I can assure you, we are NOT allowed to say things aren’t great for women in 2023. We are constantly being told and brainwashed that things are great and amazing now for women, bc we can now vote, be equal, blah blah. Yes, things were terrible for women in the past, and things I suppose are relatively better, but that does NOT mean things are great/fine for women. Not by a longshot. And if we DARE to complain about anything at all, it’s “oh but women have it GREAT now, so shut up and quit whining!”
Wow, I think your mom is holding on to the few things she has. I hope it works out for her. It can really mess with someone when their reality is crumbled.
On another note, Viking, how are you holding on? I keep thinking about you because you mentioned your med changes and I just want to make sure they’re going okay.