the infernal difficulty of being kind to myself

Suddenly, the reward is available. I’ve been waiting on it, holding myself back from so much, so much just longing for a taste….

and now I can’t seem to… take it. It’s right there, it isn’t even that big of a thing apart from the darn buildup behind it. That I wanted it enough to be sneaky, to be clever, to be patient, and a little dishonest. But when I have it, will I feel better? Doubt it. Doubt it very much…… all the same, I’m afraid if I don’t grab it, if I wait, it’ll cost me much more. Does that justify giving myself a reward that I’m not sure if I earned?

Back on earth, talking about more relatable BS; I have an infection in my mouth. I’ve been given antibiotics and pain pills, and that’s my main job right now is nursing myself back to health. They’re going to pull two and cap two, so I was right that getting to it earlier saved some of the teeth. I don’t know when that is coming, because they’ve scheduled me into the on-call list.

I feel ethereal about the whole thing, like I’m barely here. I don’t know if I ever want to come back to the “real world”….. thank god these are non narcotic, I’d definitely be doomed if they gave me anything with more kick….. still, it’s a taste of what truly numb looks like…. and it tastes good….. of course I know the addictive process, I’d be forever chasing that first taste….. it’d never taste as good as the first time again, or so I’m told.

The only thing keeping me from oblivion is that I don’t know the right people. I haven’t had a dealer in years, and when I did they wouldn’t give me anything stronger than THC…. I’m told it’s everywhere for people who look, and it’s taking much of my effort not to look…..

I’ve mentioned before, I think, my suspicion that many ODs are actually successful suicides. That’s where I see myself going, when there’s no one left to miss me…. just cast off the chains. It’s not now, not soon, but it is soon enough. Everything has it’s place and time…. that’s what I tell myself.