why is it so hard to care about people. people and things in general. i dont really know. it feels like the only way i ever care about anything is through consequences. i dont think its an ADHD thing. I didn’t want a >4.0 gpa before the end of this year, i just didn’t want to see something lower and have that failure hanging over me. I did it, >4.0 gpa. I’m not really proud of myself, I’m not disappointed with myself (at least not about this), its just nothing. I wanted it for a good reason; in my first semester of university i failed every class i took. and now i “do better than most people” even though that doesn’t really mean anything.
I know a lot of people here would probably love to hear the words “i really wanna be closer friends with you” or just things that demonstrate that another person cares a lot about you. I should probably be more grateful. But, i just don’t know what to say to people when they say these things to me. i feel really bored when im with most people. i saw my friend yesterday, we had some good jokes and stuff, it was cool. we talked about drugs a little, or I did at least. I am slowly learning that people who don’t use drugs really don’t like to talk about drugs. Why are they so judgemental? it makes me hate them. i dont even use that many or that often, just shrooms and weed. i dont even drink. people act like drugs are the end of the world, but not exercising, eating like shit and sleeping like shit are just quirky things that are part of life. or maybe they’ll say “i dont have the time/resources”, which is apparently only a valid excuse for them.
After I finished my semester at uni, i stopped liking games. i used to be pretty high rank, but now im not really that good anymore since i stopped playing for a while to focus on school. it could be that im not interested because im no longer good, but i dont think that’s true. I just don’t have an interest in it anymore. Its like if I asked you to think of something you aren’t really that interested in, take cars. for example You don’t have a strong reason for really not liking them, you just aren’t interested in them. that’s kind of how i feel now. which is really sad, because its starting to feel like i don’t like anything anymore. this reminds me of when i was in high school and wanted to kill myself seriously.
maybe i should watch a movie. i dont want to watch a movie, but maybe i will. maybe i should play a game, i dont really want to, but it’ll pass the time between now and when i go to bed. I don’t really wanna talk to anyone, a lot of people are boring. some of my friends do things that I don’t like. it makes me not wanna talk to them. they don’t know that their actions bother me, but i dont really want to start a problem because im bad at having a spine and being good at arguments. maybe ill smoke instead. i have a surgery soon, i need to stop smoking. maybe ill do my last 2g of mushrooms. that never sounds unappealing. i know its a waste of time and life and its really selfish (its not). people act like them scrolling on tiktok for 4 hours straight is any less useless than being high for 4 hours. “oh but your health is gonna suffer”. since when the fuck do you care about my health. of course its easy to say “stop doing drug. drug bad” thats the only reason you say it. because its easy. it doesn’t require work, it doesn’t require effort, no follow up, no nothing. just keep saying the same thing over and over again.
Apparently I was born with a lot of empathy. i think my friend dying when i was younger gave me empathy. anyways. everything i just said is emotionally charged. being emotional is good, there is nothing wrong with it. I don’t like to be too emotional. I understand that most people don’t think too much about things, and they think they know more about my life than they actually do. They have good intentions. I am not angry with them. I am angry with myself. what did any of that have to do with empathy? I guess understanding people. you really suck.
“I dont know anything about you” is something almost all of my friends have told me at some point. I don’t tell people details, names, dates, times, events, or anything in full truth. I might have anxiety. thats not directly related to this, but might be important to know. i dont like telling people things because it makes me uncomfortable. it feels like im taking a really big gamble and if i tell people the 100% truth something bad is going to happen. i dont really have a lot to hide, i do a little bit, but the things i hide are genuinely not that important. i really doubt its because i unconsciously want to hide something. i dont know anything about you. i dont know anything about you. i dont know anything about you. i used to pride myself on being a good friend. i was gonna be a therapist. maybe work in a psych ward. why am i such a loser? you shouldn’t be mean to yourself. you’re the only one that cares about you. and if the only person who cares about you hates you, you’ve got a big problem. good thing i dont hate myself. I mean, how could I? I have good grades. nobody could be mad at a complacent citizen with good grades and no criminal record.
My friends mom most likely has borderline personality disorder. My friend most likely has some kind of chronic disorder, but i dont know what it is yet. its a lot for me to deal with. it feels really overwhelming. so i ghost people (for short periods of time 1-4 days) that overwhelm me. the problem is that sometimes i still wanna talk to people, so i think about texting someone who normally isn’t depressed, isn’t mentally ill, and hasn’t gone through anything recently, something safe to socialize with and keep my mood stable. However, i often stop myself from messaging other people because it feels shitty to deny time to someone, and then ask for someone else’s time. i like spending time alone. that’s what makes this whole thing work.
I meant to make this shorter. I really like what this website has become. I see a lot more people talking and replying and stuff. I wanna start replying to more people, but i get really overwhelmed from a lot of the content here so its kind of hard. i don’t post that often, and.i try not to expect comments, so thats something that balances it out at least. ill leave one comment now while i can. if you read this all the way through, thanks, that really means a lot to me, even though that you’ll never know I care about you specifically, and I’ll never know that you read it. its kind of nice in a cold way. unless you comment that you read it, then i guess its kind of nice in a room temperature way.
1 comment
A 4.0 is nothing to sneeze at. You might not care a whole lot about it, but people should find something to be proud of. Some sort of sense of pride and accomplishment is important, at least a think so.
Sorry you are losing interest in things. I have lost interest in things in recent months, but just this week I got back into a game. Hopefully the same can happen for you since school is done.
I understand not wanting to tell people a lot about yourself. Sometimes it is just easier not to get close. When you get real close to someone and they leave and no longer find interest in you, it hurts.
It was a long post, but I did want to read it all. It’s important that people feel heard. Hope things go well for you.