I’m just not worth it, am I?
How could I be? This rotten shell of a self, a selfish pathetic and worthless human being. How could you possibly want to talk to me? Or have anything to do with me? Or love me? When I’m clearly nothing but a nuisance.
Is that why you disappear for so long? Do you regret me? I cant say I blame you. Am I doing something wrong? Or did you realize before I did how rotten I am? How could I ever hope, much less expect, that you would continue talking to me all this time? How dare I, really. I’m not worth the time. Or the energy. I’m a failure. And stupid. And boring. And annoying. And clingy. How could you ever want me? How were you able to stomach saying all those sweet things you said to me, knowing you were talking to a disgusting pile of rot?
I’m worthless. An inconvenience. That’s why you, and everyone else never talks to me. I’m not even angry. Because it’s all my fault. I made everything happen. I let myself live. It would’ve been so much better for everyone if I didn’t. Maybe you would find happiness that way… but how would I know? I count the days of silence. It doesnt matter. It all stings. But I’m not worth talking to. If I was… you probably would. Maybe I used to be… or maybe it was just pity. Again, how can I know?
I’m sorry for always bothering you. I’m sorry for being so damn clingy and wanting to text you all the time. I’m sorry for all the times I’ve complained, making you miserable without even realizing. I’m sorry for becoming so burdensome. I’m sorry that I got myself shipped away and now I’m unreliable and worthless and cant ever help… I’m sorry I never could do enough. That I’ll never ever be enough. I’m sorry I failed you.
I’m not worth anything anymore. No one deserves to have to put up with something as stupid and pathetic and rotten as me. I’m sorry everyone did for so long. I’m sorry I wasted so many years because you were sweet enough to stay/wait for me. I don’t know what you’re doing now. I wish I did. Wish we could talk. I hope you never find this site, I hope things havent got bad enough for that.
Sorry for being such a waste of time. I guess… I’ll leave you alone, if that’s what you want. But… how do I know?
16 days. This time anyway.
6 comments
Sometimes being an awful person warrants blood on your hands.
Maybe you aren’t so bad.
Back in HS, my best friend told me I apologized too much. It just became ‘normal’ and I didn’t even know I was doing it until he called attention to it and forced me to deal with this issue.
How did I get there? I really don’t quite know and it’s been more than 30 yrs ago so my memory is a bit spotty, but I think I had very low self-esteem.
That is I didn’t value myself and over-valued those around me. I thought I was being polite/respectful, but I think I was just being a pathetic, pitiful, submissive idiot. Only talking about myself in this case.
Being a good, rounded, wholesome, healthy (mentally and physically) person means to deal fairly with oneself and others. Also to admit fault when it is your fault but at the same time to be ready to blame others if they are the source of a problem.
I’m not perfect, I still feel unbalanced occasionally…I still make stupid mistakes, but I have gotten pretty good at knowing when I’m at fault or someone else is and I’m usually good at standing my ground.
There were consequences to my insecurity, firstly I didn’t stand up for myself when I should’ve and let others get away with insults or making false accusations against me.
Secondly I missed out on great opportunities because I didn’t feel I deserved to date someone for example or that they wouldn’t want/like me…even though they gave me signs they were interested. Also I could’ve had a larger group of good friends, but I didn’t cultivate relationships since I didn’t feel good enough.
It posted by accident, so I’ll just continue my post below.
Anyways, over time I developed self-confidence after realizing nobody is going to make me feel better about myself except me…and since I didn’t plan to kill myself and have to keep living this life, I realize the situation as it was, was untenable and I had to change.
So in time I gradually developed the social skills I felt I needed to become the best version of ‘me’ that I could. I still hate my life and the person that I am, but I know I can’t do anything to change it…except to keep going on as is, or ofc to end my life.
In your case, I see some of the similarities…it seems you wrongly blame yourself for all the problems/mistakes in your life.
Also perhaps you feel you’re too reliant on someone else and feel guilty about it. I have a few close people in my life and I’d do everything in my power to help them out and wouldn’t expect a thing in return.
So don’t think you’re being a burden if that other person wants you in their life, ofc they’ll let you know if they need you to pull your own weight.
But in general I think you’re being way too hard on yourself. Join the human race bro, you’re no less (or better) than anyone else. Also grow a backbone like I did and treat yourself as you treat others…with fairness.
Keep things in their proper perspective, not everything in life is your fault. Get over your guilt, self-hate…no one can do it for you except you and be reasonable with yourself and others.
Also I’ve found the more involved I get in my life, work, family, friends, my interests, goals, dreams, the less I think about suicide or fixate on myself.
Suicide is hard…and I realized not just because of the process of actually doing it…but more importantly of leaving those you care about, behind. In a way, some people are right, it is ‘selfish’ because others choose to keep living for us….so it’d be good return the favor.
Ofc we all have a real breaking point, where life is no longer worth living or one cannot afford to survive for whatever reason. In that case, ‘all bets are off’ there is no choice but to go your own way and ‘opt out of living.’ In a way it’s good to know that option is always there and millions of people over the years have ‘checked out.’
There are still things I wish to do, so I keep hanging in there, putting up with all the crap I don’t like about life. I hope in 5 to 10 years I can come back here and report that staying around was totally worth it…but even if it wasn’t, what do I have to lose by trying? Just some time and while my life remains ‘steady’ then I’ll keep going.
If my ship starts to sink, then I’m not going to ride it down, I will opt for euthanasia, which thankfully here in Canada has become less restrictive. For me if I face homelessness, lose my health and/or lose all the people close to me with no chance of life getting better, that’ll be my signal to finally check out.
At the moment I’m still scraping by, things are tough right now, but I’ve also positioned myself to ‘follow my dream’ and if it works out as I hope, I will make a great income and free myself from wage slavery…but it’s a longshot and it could fail…we’ll see what this year brings for me.
Best of luck to you and others in a similar situation.
You’re asking me? you’re worth it and more. I collect people rejected by others, IE someone doesn’t end up in my life until someone else has passed them over. If you’d have never failed, that I would consider a waste.
But the residuals (as I call them) are much more valuable than they realize. They’ve looked inwards and are aware of their faults. Their only defect is missing their strengths, but it is far less work to find your strengths than to admit your faults.
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How you define your value is the foundation of your life. Some people will never give you that validation. Building your life on that is upon a foundation of sand. Ordinary people are somewhere between sand and sandstone…. but the only reliable bottom brick is your opinion of yourself. If you’ve been hurt and abused…. yeah that twists your inner value up. Understand that this is a false perspective, this self hatred was imposed on you by people unworthy of your time.
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So no, I don’t believe in worthless when it comes to living things. All living things can serve some purpose, and in that have worth. Even cockroaches, even rats, even E. Coli bacteria for pity sake! If they can serve a purpose you can, it’s just a question of getting around the right people.
No one, NO ONE, makes it alone. It’s a fairy tale some people tell, self made whatever, they wouldn’t be there if it weren’t for good teachers at the very least. Find a good teacher, someone admirable in some way and try and figure out how they got that way.
My gun post was deleted haha
Look at all deez dad comments. I’m so sorry, sinner.
I feel called out lol