Lots of little knives in my head, clawing and ripping my brain apart into little chunks of rotten sadness until it is no more. Lots of fists and knives in my heart as it tears itself apart and leaves me broken. But for what must I suffer this punishment? I yet not know. The drain in da brain drained away all my ambitions and dreams. Makes you wonder, hm? I’m left stuck here in a limbo of sorts. No one notices. Nobody notices that the dreams feel more real than the reality, and my disconnection here. No one no one no one.
They left me out in the void to die. To fend for themselves, I suppose. Or perhaps a natural selection of sorts occured. But I’ve been left here and the void eats at me by day. They dont seem to care, even though they said they always would. Everyone always says that, dont they? I certainly do my best to keep up my part too. At least I havent gone over 2 months without talking to my partner. Or 2 fucking years. I know not what they want, for they say nothing. So I do nothing, I know not what is expected of me. So all I do is rot in anguish and pain as I contemplate the continuation of this pathetic existence.
I’m aware that it’s all my fault anyway, due to pathetic character and just being myself. Perhaps if I dont die I can become someone different, someone worth saving from the rotten void of the world. I need help pulling the knives out of my head and to pull away the stone fists beating on my heart and soul as the minutes go by. But, the more likely, I will stay this rotten self for far too much longer until inevitably I die, possibly/hopefully by taking my own life.
I’m sitting here in horrible pain once again, as it always comes by night when everyone is asleep and I’m left alone. Even here, in another state. It’s been nice to see family up here for the first time in years.
Alone, alone, alone.
Why did you go again? What did I do? Why will you answer nothing? Did you forget your promise that you wouldnt do this again? Do you even care? It’s my fault my fault my fault I know it is I’m sorry I’ll shut up about it now. I shouldnt be so selfish anyway.
Soon I will be asleep. Feeling more real for better or for worse in my dreams that I’ll more than likely forget. Then I will wake up. I wont feel real. I’ll instantly be completely stuck in my head. The people I love wont feel real, at least for awhile, and my body wont feel like mine. It’s fine, it’s fine. The way of the world now. Tomorrow should be a fun day. I hope it will be a fun day. I always run away from the nights and the thoughts. But it’s like that one bible story where the dude went on a whole ass ship to run away from god because he didnt want to preach to these shitty people who couldnt give a shit anyway. He got caught. I’m getting caught by the thoughts. Jolly good for me I’m sure.
My fault my fault my fault but you didnt have to leave me like this again but it’s my fault my fault
im not okay i just want out of this