It will never be enough

All they do is help me, and I can’t help but constantly get angry.
I’m looking for work, but I’m not trying hard enough to find a job, or a career.
I’m a fat slob who isn’t losing weight, so I’m not trying on that.
I literally have a month and then regardless of what happens, I’m leaving my current job. I’m sick and tired of the current job I have, it’s driving me mad.
A lot of things are driving me crazy.
I don’t have any certifications that matter, I haven’t found the start I need for the career path I’ve been studying for all this time, I’m not there for anyone (how can I be when I never have money for anything, and I spend all my time in solitude, dealing with my messed up self?). All of this is pissing me off.


Getting a diagnosis probably won’t change anything. I’m old enough where noone is really going to give two shits if I don’t figure this shit out NOW. I’m almost 30.

Nothing I do will be enough, I’ll have to always try harder, push more. I’m not my parents, I’m not my brothers, I’m not my friends, who have all gone through it in some way shape or form and are figuring it out or have figured something out that is working for them. I suck resources and time and energy from people. I know what I am, but I don’t know what I can even do to fix myself.


But I, I am just a nothing. Nothing I do is enough. Should I just sell my gaming computer, one of the few things I’ve actually invested in and built myself with my own money?


Should I break my stuff myself at this point so all I have to come home to is a room with no games or tv and force myself to just grind my life away for at least 2 years to try to get to something better?

FUCK ALCOHOL. I hate drinking, don’t know why I even started in the first place. I drink to cope. I drink for the wrong reasons.


I don’t expect answers, I’m not trying to be a victim, as I’ve been told repeatedly. I’m just fed up, always fed up with my own self. Never mad at anyone else who just try to help me in their own ways…
Just angry at me. All the time.

I’ve wasted so much of my youth already. Never felt like I belonged where I was anyway. Tried to fit in in some way, found something I was good at but tried to start things earlier and failed. Now I just feel like a broken man who won’t be able to figure it out until it’s way too late and by then, my peers will be in that different life stage, and I’ll be the same. The same joke I’ve been since 2016 when I found this place.

I’m so angry. All I can do is vent here, when I can’t even open my mouth and tell the people that know me best what my headspace is ever like. What is wrong with me really?