Learned a new word today: Limerence. Doesn’t perfectly fit my feelings for her, but it’s pretty close. I don’t think I’ve felt truly “happy” since she has stopped talking to me. I have moments where I feel happy but I haven’t felt long-term happiness in so long.
I’m in a constant state of misery and anger. I’m miserable because I miss her so. damn. much. I miss her voice. I miss her laugh. I miss her texts. I miss hanging out with her. I miss her face. I miss thinking about her and feeling happy, not empty and sad.
I’m angry because I don’t know why she just left me like she did. I’m mad because I did so much for her and she still left me. I’m mad at myself for letting me feel this way. I’m mad at myself because I’m scared this might be my fault.
I was already depressed prior to meeting her but it’s never been this bad. My suicidal thoughts are worse than they’ve ever been. The summer after she stopped talking to me I started eating less. I started counting calories and exercising obsessively and I’d go entire days without eating (not consecutively thankfully).
I just stopped caring about anything else. I would sit in my bed, miserable, thinking about her and just feel the pain.
As time went by, the thoughts never went away. They just got worse. I reached a breaking point last year. Everyday I had to see her at school. Not only did I have to see her but I had to see her be happy with other people. She’d pass by me every single day and say not a word. That made me so angry and hurt that I started thinking about killing her.
Those were mostly intrusive thoughts but there were times were I seriously considered doing it. Now I realize that I was completely fucking insane and that someone not talking to you isn’t a justifiable excuse for murder.
I try to forget her sometimes. I tell myself that she doesn’t care about me and will never come back. But there is another side of myself that hopes and prays she will come back to me. I’ve let that side win so many times.
When it wins I spiral. I’ve gone through her Tumblr and every note her posts got. I searched for her username on every major social media platform I can think of. I’ve spent over an hour going through the likes of songs I know she likes on SoundCloud.
I’ve started going through our texts recently and it hurts so much. It kills me inside and makes me think of how much I miss her. I only have one photo of her on my phone and every time I look at it I get so sad that I feel sick. But I still go back to it.
I don’t know what my end goal is. If she magically decided that she wants to talk to me again and miraculously falls in love with me, I know I still won’t be happy. All I’d do is worry about her leaving me again. I don’t even know how I’m supposed to act in a relationship.
This is a sick and sad post. Sad in the pathetic sense of the word. I think death is the only escape for me.
5 comments
I think generally it’s less about the specific person (as special as they may be), and more about what they represent in our minds. If you experienced things with her that felt meaningful, that you haven’t experienced anywhere else, then it makes sense that your mind would tie those things to her and fixate, getting endlessly drawn back to her.
Maybe in order to start moving on you’d need to look for some of those meaningful things from other people. Which can be a big challenge, especially when your mind is still bringing you down.
I know from personal experience that it’s much easier to cling to the fantasy that at some point it’ll all magically work out as you’d want. But in doing so you miss the chance to grow as a person, and effectively trap yourself in that state. Hope you can find a better path.
Welcome to the insanity of heartbreak my friend. It’s a very emotionally volatile time, and no amount of strategy, logic or advice can get you thru it. It’s like trying to rationalize away the pain of a broken leg
In my experience and the experience of everyone I’ve known in this situation, you can’t get over it until you find someone new. Well, could be something new, if you’re as dedicated to that new thing but that’s rare. Basically you’re in hell until someone else fills her place, ideally someone better so you’ll never look back.
Even this comment is useless because it doesn’t help your heart heal any faster. But i guess my main point is that it’s normal for you to be in this hopeless state. It sucks, I’ve been there. It sucks.
uh…wouldn’t that just pass on the obsession from 1 chick to another? not sure that’d help. the obsession needs to go. i’m not an expert so how to let it go is the issue. But OP definitely needs to let his obsession of her go (and not obsess about any other future girl).
The idea is to find a solid relationship to replace the hurt. True love is all about obsession (in a good way). You can’t just tell obsession/love to go away. That’s like telling someone to get over their depression.
ah, yeah, I understand…. I was going to lead that I moved past it, but all I did was minimize the time I think about it. Several women who I loved left a mark that never completely went away, but I’m down to thinking about it only a few hours a month.
To me romance can be a false fulfillment goal. Yes, it can fill many of the empty spaces if you believe it can, but you are putting the keys to your head into the hands of someone else, who may not be particularly careful.
My wife now helps me a lot, and I love her, but never with the reckless abandon that I did when I was younger. I’m well aware she could leave or die. Never take tomorrow for granted.
at least you are willing to examine these parts of yourself, which is the first step towards corrective action. Obsession is a hell of a thing, but I’d argue that it doesn’t make for healthy relationships. It’s a fantasy.