You’d never guess I’d be posting this after what I said last week about no one ever making it out of suicidal depression alive.
but yeah, I beat this. I didn’t just beat it, I fucking bodyslammed it into the dirt and pissed on its grave. 13 years of suicidal depression is finally over and I’m back to the real me.
Before I go on I want to be clear, even though I managed to squeeze my ass out of this beartrap I’m not gonna insult anyone’s intelligence by saying IT GETS BETTER because it doesn’t. It gets worse we all know that. Life is basically a toilet in perpetual flush, and longer you live the further down the funnel you go. I think the problem with recovery is everyone expects a Disney image of blue skies pink bunnies dancing. The problem is we’re chasing the wrong dream. That doesn’t exist.
So how did I beat it? There’s no point in going into that because it won’t work for everyone. In fact I’d say it’ll only work for 1 in 10000 and that’s a liberal estimate. If we’re all misshapen pegs we each gotta find the hole we fit into, and it works for only 1. In a nutshell, we gotta figure out our purpose and fucking do it. Notice how there’s no “happiness” in this equation. That’s why I’d never succeed as a self help author, because I’m not selling happiness. I’m selling hard work. Yay who’s gonna buy that book. Me, I would. Because I never wanted happiness (sure I wanted it but I never needed it), all I wanted was to do is figure out the 1 thing I’m on this planet to do, and do it. To me that beats happiness, it beats nirvana, it beats virgins in heaven and all the snake oil slop that many religions dangle in front of your face just like Disney movies.
Yesterday I did my job. Holy shit, I did my job and I did it better than any human on the planet. Did I get paid for it? Nope. Did I get a front page headline? Hell no. I told no one. And I never will. Because I’m hoarding this win all to myself.
I did it all for ____. Angels exist right under our noses, we just gotta pull our head outta our ass long enough to see them
25 comments
What do you mean “you did your job”?
And how does one beat depression suddenly, on ONE day?
So you suddenly figured out your purpose in life?
I’ve known my purpose in life for about 10 years, I just let depression block me from doing it for most of that time. But yeah (in my case) I was able to beat it in 1 day, literally from a near suicide attempt the day before to sudden embracing of life
You’re probably thinking it won’t last and that’s true, it won’t last if I stop doing my purpose so I have to keep at it. But yesterday’s victory put me way ahead of depression, and I’m gonna use this high to run even further ahead of it. In other words I’ll keep working harder, racking up more victories and reminding myself I’m damn good at what I do. That’s a total reversal of the mindset I’ve had for so long, where every day I’d soak in misery and self hate, thinking “I lost it” or “I’m not what I used to be”. Fuck that, I’m better than I ever was. Just needed to prove it to myself.
If you’re Gaga, then you did it by bullying someone to suicide, and as it happened, drove around in their town to see if they actually died after the hurtful words. Why else would someone drive around but not make contact. A messed up lady, indeed. I hope she falls back into alcohol and gambling, hardcore, like she used to, until she gets brain damage.
what was “yesterday’s victory”?
If you can sufficiently convince yourself and maintain the belief that any one thing is worth living for, and you’re able to effectively work in the service of whatever that is, then I’d agree that’s pretty good insulation against certain kinds of depression. The problems only arise either when something happens to shake your belief in whatever you find to be meaningful, or circumstances lead you to believe that there’s nothing you can do in service of that thing.
Exactly, you grasp the strategy. It’s essentially a form of delusion, but if both those criteria are met it’s a delusion you never wake up from. It’s a helluva lot more practical and unshakeable than waiting for $$ or true love or help from the gods.
At the same time it’s elusive because it all hinges on the belief that there’s something worth living for, and I think that’s where most suicidal people lapse. It’s also why I said it’ll only work for 1 out of 10000 because how many people do you know who would sacrifice everything for 1 cause? That’s been the ace up my sleeve for the last 10 years, but my hand was spoiled by thinking I was useless. It was like being a kid in a candy store but you can’t reach the shelf.
Yesterday I proved to myself I could reach the shelf, not just that but the shelf above it. So both criteria are met and I can ride this high as long as I keep it up. My biggest vulnerability is if I start to doubt myself like I did for so many years, then it’s back to laying on the floor feeling sorry for myself and staring at the candy. But yesterday’s lesson will go a long way. Nothing boosts confidence like making a long awaited comeback and knocking it outta the park.
what is your cause worth fighting for? what was your “epiphany”? how did you “reach the shelf”? how did you find your self-confidence/knock out that self-doubt?
i had confidence in myself before, and that’s why i was able to do all the things i did. but over time, my confidence got whittled (1st bc of this asshole that wanted to control me, then it was the car accident which fucked me up physically, which lead me to not working and feeling useless which then fucked me up mentally, which lead me to be manipulated by this evil cun.t who purposely tried to damage my self-confidence and shatter me, bc apparently she “gets a high” off of fucking someone over.
anyhow, what was your secret sauce in “discovering” you could “do it” (whatever it was)?
I know for me my issue is the same- the LACK of PURPOSE + the LACK of self-confidence. I’ve been mired in that for the last 15 years. I had done SO much before that, so the fall from “amazing” to “can’t even feed myself” is such a big fall. IDK how to get back from that. ESP now with having to deal with chronic daily health issues.
If it’s you, Gaga, then this is just another bullshit post made after swallowing an amphetamine. In the hours following, you’ll soon feel like the nutty, closed in hag that feared aging and the world outrunning you in youth. Big fat betch.
Sorry, I like venting. I’ll probably go for a lawsuit. :B
first thing, as a friend I feel compelled to say; sounding a little manic. To an extent that’s to be expected, but it might be something you need to look at just in case. Let nothing get in the way of your recovery, even your own enthusiasm
On the flip side, finally seeing the light after months of darkness is pretty thrilling. Due to my past struggles with going manic I stick to my mantra “don’t get excited”, and as a result I tend to realize I’m coming up some time after it starts happening, and I’m also prone to doubt it.
that being said, lately I’m realizing more and more that I will be okay… and not in the short term but eventually. That’s as much hope as I can handle. I can pull things together, but it depends on hard work, like you said.
There’s nothing for it but hard work, there’s no great secret. So if that’s the foundation for your new life, that sounds promising. I’m cautiously hopeful for you.
Fair enough, I expect much skepticism (as I usually feel toward recovery stories). I won’t clutter up this site with updates/proof but maybe once a month I’ll pop in just to say I’m still rockin the roof.
The funny thing is a good feeling has a domino effect just like a bad feeling. So already in 24 hours I’ve done a bunch of ‘impossible’ tasks I’d been dreading for years. Made a shitload of phone calls and chewed out some assholes to pay off their debts to me, filed a bunch of bureaucratic paperwork that’ll clear up a clog or two, and cleaned the place from attic to basement so I’m living in a palace again. Add to this 3 years clean from alcohol, 2 weeks clean from drugs, and the biggest one: 2 weeks free of SH. Manic? Hell fuck yeah bruh! But it’s the kind of mania that produces real gains. When you’ve been as low as I have, for as long as I have, you need a fucking rocket blastoff to make escape velocity.
If it’s Gaga, she’s sitting there for hours comparing humanity to “cheetahs and foxes,” spreading rumors on YouTube, not really accomplishing anything except amphetamine psychosis and wasting so much time. And being mistaken to be Russian vs Italian.
When you watch her interviews, you notice how she still tweaks a little sometimes… How immature she really is… It’s like watching “Teen Mom Retired” or something. It’s kind of healing noticing how flawed she is in maturity. Maturity is everything when it comes to art. Sigh. Makes me feel nice. What a loser. So I guess I can be doing well, too.
lol we both hate Gaga for different reasons. Actually I softened up a bit when there was that leaked phone call of her freaking out over stuff. Her head didn’t seem quite right and that’s something I commiserate with. So I don’t really hate her anymore, it’s just fun to say I do.
It’s an all or nothing world with “sanity” innit.
haha nobody asks questions though do they.
I really grew fond of her for boosting me up back in the day. I guess she intended to rip me apart. I’m one of those that needs good people.
It’s a big requirement to watch that “I had to learn to love myself” Interview with Lee Cowan. How immature she is. The drugs. The “happy ending vibes” drugs give people. Still… Imm-a-ture and forty.
You’re a likeable type of guy, so Im glad to hear this! Any guy that likes Sinatra and fellini is alright by me
Thanks man! It may have been our talk about Sinatra that shook me into taking action. If a guy like that can be depressed with all his talent & success, it must be a state of mind (not situation like I’ve been blaming mine on). I’m sure I’ll have dark days ahead. But If I can learn to have bad days without turning suicidal, I’ll almost be normal lol
***PLEASE do tell us how you suddenly found your self-confidence, in your ability to “reach the shelf” / achieve your purpose in life. And what is your purpose in life?
I would really love to know bc those 2 things are what I struggle with, and it’s why I am in this dark pit of do nothingness.
My life came to a halt the moment I lost confidence in myself, and lost my goal/purpose. Well I had reached a particular goal and realized work/career/jobs was all bullshit. And that was the beginning of the avalanche that would bury me.
“That’s a total reversal of the mindset I’ve had for so long, where every day I’d soak in misery and self hate, thinking “I lost it” or “I’m not what I used to be”. Fuck that, I’m better than I ever was. Just needed to prove it to myself.”
–>How did your mindset change? I also felt like I “lost it” and “not what I used to be” and I need to go back to feeling I’m totally capable of doing anything and everything. I felt invincible back then, and that was when I WAS able to accomplish the impossible. How do we get that mindset back? I’m desperate to know, I’m desperate to get back the me that was capable.
Please don’t leave yet, before telling us how you came to your epiphany/confidence.
What did the near suicide do? I guess that was your wake up call? How did it change your mindset?
It’s great you’re doing well and have found self-confidence and going after your purpose. It’s sad to see someone with such similar jaded and cynical views on life leave here. Especially one that “gets” my problems in life.
Everyone that does well, leaves this site. As expected. But bc they do, we are left with only the hopeless and downtrodden, with no one knowing with a clue on how to get out of this.
No, I need more than money to get better. Like you, I lost my confidence and purpose in life. In order to get better, I need to find my confidence and new purpose in life (I had achieved the original one, only to realize it was bs). That in turn will lead me to money to feel secure and to help my health problems. BUT I also need better health in order to start feeling and doing better. SO I am stuck. What do you think I should do? I feel like it’s a catch 22- I need to be physically and financially better to get mentally better, but I also need to be mentally better, not depressed, proactive, and have a goal/purpose/self-confidence in order to get better.
It’s a rat wheel. You cut the wheel when you magically got your self-confidence back. My only hope is to figure out HOW you and others were able to do it.
I need my self-confidence back. I’ve always known getting that back was the key. And having a purpose. We can move mountains when we have those 2 things. And I’ve lost them. For 15 years, my self-confidence just got whittled down to nothing.
Hey eternal don’t worry I won’t be leaving, the dark thoughts are too much a part of me to ever go away. But since I’ve outrun those dark thoughts (for now) I won’t have much to complain about so I’ll just be posting here less. Regardless of suicide, I think this is one of the best sites on the internet for expressing our feelings without being judged, so I won’t go far.
About our situations, I notice they’re a lot alike so maybe your path out might be the same. We both have a shitload of fury inside, fury based on frustration, desiring something but unable to get it. I think this is different from standard clinical depression which is more like a lack of interest in anything. With you & me, and anyone out there who feels the same way, it’s more like our ‘depression’ is paralysis from outrage, frustration and feeling weak.
Here’s where I think the ONLY way out is to go for throttle up. In other words, there’s no slow, measured, careful path out thru therapy & meds & lifestyle choices. No, people like us gotta light a fukin bomb under our asses and hope it blows us back up to the surface in 1 blast.
You mentioned you had a purpose but you found out it was bs. Can you elaborate? Even if it turned out to be bs, is there some part of it that’s still genuine?
Like you, I got knocked down HARD. Not physically, but about 10 years ago something real bad happened to make me think I’m a weak helpless piece of shit because I couldn’t get back up and fight. And this festered into all sorts of fears, like pretty soon I was afraid to go out in public, afraid to talk on the phone, afraid to read my email half the time.
Therapists kept telling me stuff like ‘baby steps’ and ‘Oh lookie, you managed to drive to your appointment by yourself!’ *golf clap* But that just made me feel more like a loser. I suspect you’re the same, you don’t want pity and ice cream cones for doing trivial things, you want it ALL. You want to be back where you were before all this shit happened.
I think in this case the only thing that works is to take a big risk, pick 1 thing that’s really important to you and keep hammering away until you accomplish that 1 thing. With me it was doing something I hadn’t done in 10 years, something that scared me shitless and gave me panic attacks in the night. But the only way past it (short of suicide which I didn’t have the guts to do either) was to confront it head on.
idk if I got lucky or if it was 10 years of fury that pushed me thru it, but I did it. So I’m riding high and using that juice to keep pushing me. I think this whole thing is about running ahead of that wave before it hits you. But if you’re currently *in* the wave getting bashed around, the only hope is to try something huge. What might that be for you?