She replied. She even started a little conversation with me. It felt terrible. My mind kept switching between really bad intrusive thoughts and unrealistic fantasies. I wish I could say I felt happy since half of the mental anguish I’ve felt this past year stemmed from her not talking to me.
I had so much anxiety over her messaging me that I couldn’t eat or sleep. My throat constantly felt dry and I had heart palpitations so bad I thought I was going to die. This lasted for two days until she stopped replying to me.
I realize she doesn’t want to speak to me. She doesn’t want to be my friend again. I realize she doesn’t miss me or care about me. I know I should let her go, but doing that would mean accepting the fact that I will never get to know her again. That fact hurts me so much that I want to die.
I hate feeling inadequate. I hate not being good enough for the people around me. I don’t understand how there are people out there that can seamlessly make friends and establish and maintain meaningful relationships with others. Why can’t I have that?
I’m so tired of being trapped in the hell of loneliness and isolation. I’m tired of seeing the people around me live the life I wish I could. I’m tired of being stuck on a girl who probably doesn’t even remember my name.
I wish I didn’t miss her. I wish I could just move on with my life. I wish my every waking thought wasn’t about her. I wish I could make friends like a normal teenager. I wish I didn’t feel so lonely all the time.
I’m tired of everything. I just want all this to end.
2 comments
How frightening. You and I share an extremely similar heart ache. I am a little glad that you two are talking again. I really hope it leads to a genuine friendship. Something that you can count on when you are low.
However, I must also also be realistic with you. Take it from someone a bit older than you (24), if you find yourself in a situation where it is fairly clear she wants nothing to do with you, move on. It is hard. So painfully hard. But you must find the strength to do so. I have fixated on her for 6+ years. Since high-school. She hasn’t talked to me in over a year. She did not respond when I told her I was in a mental facility, or when I went to the ER, or when I wished her Merry Christmas, or when I called to tell her Happy Birthday. She is, for all intents and purposes, gone. Yet I can not accept that. I am too weak to accept that. I am hoping with time that I will find the strength to. So please please please do not make my mistake. Try your hardest to make new friends. Find different groups of people you share the same interests with. You are young. You still have time. And of course still be open to being friends with her, but only if she is open. Know when to walk away. I’m sorry you are suffering. I really am. I hope you find your strength.
Thank you for your words. I’ve been aware that she wants nothing to do with me for a while, it’s the accepting and moving on part that I can’t handle. I couldn’t agree with you more when you say that it’s hard. I want to find the strength to move on but I’m so afraid of losing the only person I felt truly understood me. I’ve managed to make a few online friends, maybe someday I’ll make real life ones.